Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever have a girlfriend that requests that we have a 'song' together, after I laugh, I shall suggest master p - you can be my b!tch

   To all the fat chicks that only take pics from the neck up .... good try ... good try.

   I'm actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.

   Twinkle twinkle little snitch , mind your own business you nosey b*tch.

   Snooki hates the nickname "Snooki" and wants to go back to using her real name, "Dwayne Johnson"

   Asked my 65 yr old father if he believed in gay marriage. His response "I saw my friends die for freedom. That means freedom for EVERY American."

   has decided that when I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car

   wonders...Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "If you build it, they will come."?

   File: Save as, Porn 1 'File name already exists' - Porn 2 'File name already exists' - Porn 3 'File name already exists' fuljaek';*+atxre£ 'File saved'

   ٥ﻻ ﻉ√٥ﺎ ٱц =)

   Women are supposed to be like butterflies. Beautiful and hard to catch but most of y'all are like mosquitoes, annoying and easy to smash.

   When I die I'm going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook

   My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.

   If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?

   I'm announcing this morning I'm cutting all ties with Paul Deen....no more BUTTER!

   Obama's Victory Speech should of started with " Allow me to re-introduce myself!" My name is OOOOO!!

   Just saw a fat ginger girl buying a rape whistle...gotta admire her optimism

   Nobel Prizes are not for what you are "trying" to do, they are for what you have actually achieved. I nominate myself for a Nobel Prize in Medicine for my "efforts" in finding a cure for hangovers.

   How the h ell did Jesus find guys names John.,James, Matthew. Paul and Andrew, Thomas, and Philip in the middle East?

   Wife: If I become fat and ugly will you leave me? Husband starts laughing. Wife: WHAT?! Husband: I'm still here ain't I?