Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girl you're so ugly that when construction workers see you they get back to work.

   If I were a Caveman I would have masturbated in front of a T-Rex just to make him jealous!

   I'd like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

   I don't cuddle,,,,,,,but I'll hold you tight while I'm F*cking You!!

   did you know that the word "bed" looks like a bed itself?

   Somebody slipped a hangover in my drink last night

   I'm ASKING you to read this and TELLING you a soldier chooses to serve and fight for ALL Americans unconditionally. Perhaps the government should return the favor

   How to eat an Oreo: First you twist it...... Oh it broke...

   Tortilla chips - aka The Mexican Fork

   If I ever have a girlfriend that requests that we have a 'song' together, after I laugh, I shall suggest master p - you can be my b!tch

   To all the fat chicks that only take pics from the neck up .... good try ... good try.

   I'm actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.

   Twinkle twinkle little snitch , mind your own business you nosey b*tch.

   Snooki hates the nickname "Snooki" and wants to go back to using her real name, "Dwayne Johnson"

   Asked my 65 yr old father if he believed in gay marriage. His response "I saw my friends die for freedom. That means freedom for EVERY American."

   has decided that when I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car

   wonders...Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "If you build it, they will come."?

   File: Save as, Porn 1 'File name already exists' - Porn 2 'File name already exists' - Porn 3 'File name already exists' fuljaek';*+atxre£ 'File saved'

   ٥ﻻ ﻉ√٥ﺎ ٱц =)

   Women are supposed to be like butterflies. Beautiful and hard to catch but most of y'all are like mosquitoes, annoying and easy to smash.