Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't ever question my loyalty because you'll scare it away forever.

   IKEA now designs temporary houses for refugees which is weird because I thought they already did that.

   No officer the joke's on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.

   Strangers have the best candy!

   i just came back from a mile long walk in your shoes, and I still think youre a douchebag...

   You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.

   A baseball fan is a spectator sitting 500 feet from home plate who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away

   I joined the Tourettes society today. It only took a minute to be sworn in.

   I always feel uneasy when Friday the 13th falls on a Monday.

   kayaking....makes me wet

   was blinded by your beauty, so I am gonna need your name and number for insurance purposes...

   I dont say my wife is a bad cook, she just uses smoke alarm as timer !!

   iPhone 4: Loses bars when you hold it, gets lost in bars when you don't.

   I heard the CEO of AT&T got married recently. The service was great but the reception was terrible.

   I know I'm wrong, but I always pull for the men on the Maury Show lol.

   Pornography is literature designed to be read with one hand.

   JetBlue guy wants his job back. Dude, you can't go up that slide.

   They got smart phones, smart cars and all the smart stuff!! when they gonna start making smart people???

   just won the LOTTERY! Not really, just practicing...

   Summer Vacation begins to spiral downward when your Dad says "Let's go this way. I know a shortcut."