Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   iPhone 4: Loses bars when you hold it, gets lost in bars when you don't.

   I heard the CEO of AT&T got married recently. The service was great but the reception was terrible.

   I know I'm wrong, but I always pull for the men on the Maury Show lol.

   Pornography is literature designed to be read with one hand.

   JetBlue guy wants his job back. Dude, you can't go up that slide.

   I dont say my wife is a bad cook, she just uses smoke alarm as timer !!

   i just came back from a mile long walk in your shoes, and I still think youre a douchebag...

   You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.

   They got smart phones, smart cars and all the smart stuff!! when they gonna start making smart people???

   just won the LOTTERY! Not really, just practicing...

   Summer Vacation begins to spiral downward when your Dad says "Let's go this way. I know a shortcut."

   I AM THE BOSS OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY G.........hang on gotta go , I think I hear my wife coming

   Running away from your problems is a race you'll never win.

   Someday we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

   Math teacher: I have 5 bottles in one hand, and 6 in the other. What do I have? Student: A drinking problem?

   "I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions of Use" should be called, "I didn't read the Terms and Conditions of Use but I want to access this sh*t!

   Our relationship was like the Fourth of July. It started with fireworks but was over by the end of the night.

   Just clicked a link that promised to show, "the world's largest breasts."... It was just a picture of Michael Moore taking his shirt off.

   Don't worry, they'll probably get Casey Anthony when she tries to steal back her sports memorabilia...

   I think I had too much to drink last night because I left the door open the whole time I was peeing. That might not sound bad, but when you're driving 65 mph, it can cause all kinds of problems.