Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hey, lets take a picture of our f#kin dinner and put it on facebook so the whole world can not give a sh!t

   "You can't be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn't work that way. You're already hard to want." -Peter Griffin

   In the chemistry lab, proving that ugliness is more than skin deep.

   How could anybody in the World think that "wRiTiNg iN tHiS wAy" is cool??? It's only a language murder and a terrifying waste of writing-and-reading-time...stupid kids, have you got the hiccough???

   I jerked off to Poison for almost a year before I found out they were dudes. And then for like another 3 months.

   According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading.

   If God gave you a good singing voice you should sing loud in church to give thanks. If God gave you a bad singing voice you should sing loud in church to get even.

   SAFETY REMINDER: If you encounter an NFL Running Back this weekend, Keep your distance and do NOT approach them....

   I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.

   Your honor, let the record show the defendant's eyebrows are drawn on.

   We should've let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.

   [job interview] it says here that one of your strengths is making snake sounds, is this true? “yesssssssssssssssss”

   I don't think Bruce Jenner realizes that there can only be 5 Spice Girls.

   If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes, they're usually 90 degrees.

   Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.

   The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load

   I guess I probably shouldn't have said I masturbate to your wife, but I thought the rest of my Best Man speech was really heart-felt.

   This lady behind me is reading what I'm writing while I'm waiting on line in the pharmacy. Can't wait till she .....aaaAAHHHHH! THAT'S RIGHT LADY!!!....Look away!

   It’s nice how your Selfies accentuate your instability.

   If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.