Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of my biggest fears is that some yahoo will actually take my posts seriously and call the cops who will inevitably find my torture chamber, stash of plutonium and action figure collection.

   If you're in a relationship for sex it's like buying an airplane for the peanuts.

   wondering why people with hundreds of friends on FB are spending their time on FB and not with one of them instead.

   At first, I was thinking of gifting my friend an iPad for his birthday, but on a second thought, I might just gift hm a magnifying glass for his iPhone...

   figured out that plastic surgery allows women to make their outer appearance resemble their inner appearance -- fake.

   When I see a hot girl in a Movie or on T. V, I google her name to see if she has any nude pics.

   I just want a man who knows the difference between… Its/It's… Your/You're… Two/To/Too… Their/There/They're… and eats my pu$$y like a pro.

   It's been over a year since I found anything to steal here. If nobody else is gonna say it I will. R I P FSM. I'd type the whole name of the page but we're not allowed smh...

   I like to flirt with people in stable relationships just to test how stable their relationship is.

   hey, lets take a picture of our f#kin dinner and put it on facebook so the whole world can not give a sh!t

   "You can't be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn't work that way. You're already hard to want." -Peter Griffin

   In the chemistry lab, proving that ugliness is more than skin deep.

   How could anybody in the World think that "wRiTiNg iN tHiS wAy" is cool??? It's only a language murder and a terrifying waste of writing-and-reading-time...stupid kids, have you got the hiccough???

   I jerked off to Poison for almost a year before I found out they were dudes. And then for like another 3 months.

   According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading.

   If God gave you a good singing voice you should sing loud in church to give thanks. If God gave you a bad singing voice you should sing loud in church to get even.

   SAFETY REMINDER: If you encounter an NFL Running Back this weekend, Keep your distance and do NOT approach them....

   I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.

   Your honor, let the record show the defendant's eyebrows are drawn on.

   We should've let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.