Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's been over a year since I found anything to steal here. If nobody else is gonna say it I will. R I P FSM. I'd type the whole name of the page but we're not allowed smh...

   I like to flirt with people in stable relationships just to test how stable their relationship is.

   hey, lets take a picture of our f#kin dinner and put it on facebook so the whole world can not give a sh!t

   "You can't be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn't work that way. You're already hard to want." -Peter Griffin

   In the chemistry lab, proving that ugliness is more than skin deep.

   How could anybody in the World think that "wRiTiNg iN tHiS wAy" is cool??? It's only a language murder and a terrifying waste of writing-and-reading-time...stupid kids, have you got the hiccough???

   I jerked off to Poison for almost a year before I found out they were dudes. And then for like another 3 months.

   According to a new report, America's teenagers are 30th in the world in math. Luckily, America's teenagers will never understand the report because they're 85th in reading.

   If God gave you a good singing voice you should sing loud in church to give thanks. If God gave you a bad singing voice you should sing loud in church to get even.

   SAFETY REMINDER: If you encounter an NFL Running Back this weekend, Keep your distance and do NOT approach them....

   I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.

   Your honor, let the record show the defendant's eyebrows are drawn on.

   We should've let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.

   [job interview] it says here that one of your strengths is making snake sounds, is this true? “yesssssssssssssssss”

   I don't think Bruce Jenner realizes that there can only be 5 Spice Girls.

   If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes, they're usually 90 degrees.

   Give a man a fish & he'll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.

   The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load

   I guess I probably shouldn't have said I masturbate to your wife, but I thought the rest of my Best Man speech was really heart-felt.

   This lady behind me is reading what I'm writing while I'm waiting on line in the pharmacy. Can't wait till she .....aaaAAHHHHH! THAT'S RIGHT LADY!!!....Look away!