Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On Thursday, the captain of the crashed cruise ship Costa Concordia went back to the wreck for the first time since the accident. Said the captain, “It looks so different sober."

   Just one more drink and then I'm outta here" is one of my favorite lies.

   How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?

   New rule: unless you punched a shark in the face to dislodge that tooth, you’re not allowed to wear it on a necklace

   I knew you were trouble when you said you didn’t drink.

   I disagree, but I respect your right to be stupid

   Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

   If your in the grocery store with your new iphone 7 and pay with food stamps don't be surprised when I slap that phone out of your hand.

   Mexican word of the day is Chicken Finger: Jose left his wife and said "Chicken finger herself for now on!!

   Do not use the one $1.00, $20 or $50 or $100 bills! Slave owners are depicted on them! Help stop this hideous display of racism… Send those bills to me and I will see that they are handled properly... message me for my address,

   No matter who's president , Elvis is still the king

   So the state trooper said "I've been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn't you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."

   There is nothing worse in the World than sitting on the toilet and getting splash back.

   so far its been one of those weeks where the middle finger can answer any question!!!

   do you know why kids think I'm Cool?.. Because I was raised to talk and think like a 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle' that's why."

   Brett Favre came out of his hole and didn't see his shadow. That means only 5 more weeks until football starts.

   Money cant buy happiness, but at least I can pick my own misery.

   wondering how exactly do you mark someone's words?

   says that the only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

   spring cleaning her head, this could take a while...