Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

   Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.

   I've got this really good recipe were I burn the hell out of everything and we go out for pizza.

   A girl in yoga pants not talking on the phone. Hope she's ok.

   Your wedding day will be the last time you agree on anything. When you both say "I do".

   Okay, guys. Admit it. You shake your head in disgust everytime you learn that one of your hot female friends on Facebook gets pregnant.

   For some reason, I don't think single people need Valentine's day to realize that they're single. I'm sure they realize that fact the other 364 days of the year.

   That was Samuel Jackson's first ever public appearance without saying "mother$ucker"

   On Thursday, the captain of the crashed cruise ship Costa Concordia went back to the wreck for the first time since the accident. Said the captain, “It looks so different sober."

   Just one more drink and then I'm outta here" is one of my favorite lies.

   How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?

   New rule: unless you punched a shark in the face to dislodge that tooth, you’re not allowed to wear it on a necklace

   I knew you were trouble when you said you didn’t drink.

   I disagree, but I respect your right to be stupid

   Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

   Mexican word of the day is Chicken Finger: Jose left his wife and said "Chicken finger herself for now on!!

   Just found out all of the Nuclear Launch Codes are now available on itunes ..... Thanx Hillary!

   If your in the grocery store with your new iphone 7 and pay with food stamps don't be surprised when I slap that phone out of your hand.

   Do not use the one $1.00, $20 or $50 or $100 bills! Slave owners are depicted on them! Help stop this hideous display of racism… Send those bills to me and I will see that they are handled properly... message me for my address,

   No matter who's president , Elvis is still the king