Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always thought GTFO meant Great, Terrific, Fantastic, & Outstanding... so, I guess all those people weren't paying me compliments after all!

   Before there was roofies, a caveman would just club a b!tch and take her home. That's why they call the hook up spot "The Club"

   If you have an extraordinary sense of humour and you are able to make sense and relate to my jokes without blushing, puking or being offended, then you are my kind of peoplez and maybe we should hangout sometime.

   I don't like the term "substance abuse". I prefer "teaching substance a lesson".

   Ladies: Don't keep him guessing for too long or he will find the answer somewhere else.

   You have the right to remain stupid anything you say or do can and will be ignored.

   Eating memory foam DOESN'T cure Alzheimer's? Well...it SHOULD

   Approximately 80% of my regrets involve hitting “send”

   Nothing in life is “fun for the whole family.”

   afros are comin back, thats cool......makes hiding easter eggs so much easier

   There's nothing worse than being cheated on...actually being cheated on with someone unemployed and ugly is worse.

   All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that's their own fault.

   MARDI GRAS!!! Because who doesn't love pancakes and tequila!!!

   if you dont know what something is, dont ask on a facebook comment to let everyone know how stupid you are. if ur an idiot, the google search is ur friend

   Today's Harry Houdini's 137th Birthday. Here's to you  Harry, and thank you for proving that (with great stage presence) we too can escape death while chained and shackled, upside-down in a shark tank, and while blindfolded.

   Anyone who thinks Fool's Day comes just once a year, doesn't work where I work!

   Whenever my girlfriend is mad at one of our friends, she deletes them from FB but makes sure I stay friends so she can see what they're saying.

   There needs to be more "damn it I missed my exit" exits.

   Pageant officials want to fire Miss San Antonio for gaining weight. Apparently, the poor girl ballooned all the way up to a size zero.

   Statistics show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette