Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing in life is “fun for the whole family.”

   afros are comin back, thats cool......makes hiding easter eggs so much easier

   There's nothing worse than being cheated on...actually being cheated on with someone unemployed and ugly is worse.

   All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that's their own fault.

   MARDI GRAS!!! Because who doesn't love pancakes and tequila!!!

   if you dont know what something is, dont ask on a facebook comment to let everyone know how stupid you are. if ur an idiot, the google search is ur friend

   Today's Harry Houdini's 137th Birthday. Here's to you  Harry, and thank you for proving that (with great stage presence) we too can escape death while chained and shackled, upside-down in a shark tank, and while blindfolded.

   Anyone who thinks Fool's Day comes just once a year, doesn't work where I work!

   Whenever my girlfriend is mad at one of our friends, she deletes them from FB but makes sure I stay friends so she can see what they're saying.

   There needs to be more "damn it I missed my exit" exits.

   Pageant officials want to fire Miss San Antonio for gaining weight. Apparently, the poor girl ballooned all the way up to a size zero.

   Statistics show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette

   Women don't want to hear what you think...Women want to hear what they think- in a deeper voice."

   A fool and his money are soon dating women way too good looking for him.

   I would rather have a cure for the common hangover than the common cold.

   I'm thinking about becoming a psychic...But I don't know what people would think.

   Remember, life isn't about accumulating stuff. It's about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.

   You better hope my wildest dreams don't come true.

   They say the end of the world is very near, So what if Saturday is the end of the world? If I get sent straight to hell its going to take me at least a week to realize that I'm not still at work.

   They really need to add a “download this song illegally” button on Pandora.