Funny Status Messages

   There will never be true equality until men have to wear jockey shorts with under-wires that lift and separate.

   I bought a Sharpie so I could draw abs on my stomach. I guess I got a little carried away 'cause they ended up looking like grill marks on a pork chop.

   FACT: any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying. They haven't left yet.

   Some women have mood swings, some have entire playgrounds with slides and merrygorounds and teeter totters. You should avoid those ones, Unless they are willing to have sex on the monkey bars, you can make an exception for those ones...

   Before Twitter we really had no way of knowing which of our favorite celebrities were also total illiterates.

   All we need to keep us happy - is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done!!!

   I'm HAVING A DINNER party tomorrow,how many boxes of cheerios do I need to feed 8 people ..

   Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.

   Kids today will never know the pain of the Dewey Decimal system and how to catalog library books on index cards.

   I hear birds chirping. Either I'm up way too late or I've banged my head cartoon style.

   Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light

   The therapist at my bulimia support group asked if I had anything I'd like to bring up. How insensitive can you get!

   I've been taking my Flintstones' vitamins daily, but I still can't start a car with my feet.

   Make librarians cry by calling it a "Book Museum" while taking pictures with your iPad.

   Manti Te'o's girlfriend confirmed that Brian Williams was on the helicopter

   Only 11 minutes of Shade? Save money and go rent Basic Instinct with Sharon Stone instead!

   There are three gurantees in life. Death, Taxes, and elbow macaroni stays in your cabinet until you move.

   Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd

   When you think your life couldn't be any more pathetic, remember some people have more than 1 Facebook account.

   I'm posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they're making ceramic bowls.