Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing my ex & I had in common was that neither one of us would suck a d!ck.

   I was counting sheep but those little b@stards started talking to me and now I REALLY can't sleep. Plus, I'm high.

   When I die, I want My body to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

   PLEASE,, Let's have a moment of silence for all those who have ever been stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles..

   I say: Ron Jeremy for President..."You're gonna get screwed anyway, might as well get screwed by a pro.

   Hey abusive men, It's a relationship. Not the UFC.

   if a wheelchair athlete used WD40, would it be considered a performance enhancing substance

   You know something isn't funny if you have to end it with, "lol"! ^^^

   holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies

   - I would quit drinking, but my father didn't raiser a quiter.

   just took the battery out of the smoke alarm because I think I might do some thinking tonight

   coming down with a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell!

   Facebook will soon have to come with a warning label so they don't get sued! "Warning Facebook may cause some losers to stalk their ex's and cause them to have an asthma attack. If you have a tendency to be a stalker please do not use Facebook!"

   placing myself in "TIME OUT" until I am able to play nice with others! Until then, don't piss me off because I have nothing to lose being in Time Out already!"

   My mother never understood the irony in calling me a ”son-of-a-b!tch.”

   I love haters! they're always thinkin of me!

   thinking...we would all be naked right now if it wasn't for that darn apple!

   What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved

   if you don't quit your crying and complaining in your status updates, I'll give you something to really cry and complain about! Like posting that photo of you I lied about deleting for example.

   In California, we don't throw our garbage away. We turn it into reality TV shows.