Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies

   - I would quit drinking, but my father didn't raiser a quiter.

   just took the battery out of the smoke alarm because I think I might do some thinking tonight

   coming down with a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell!

   thinking...we would all be naked right now if it wasn't for that darn apple!

   What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved

   if you don't quit your crying and complaining in your status updates, I'll give you something to really cry and complain about! Like posting that photo of you I lied about deleting for example.

   In California, we don't throw our garbage away. We turn it into reality TV shows.

   Facebook will soon have to come with a warning label so they don't get sued! "Warning Facebook may cause some losers to stalk their ex's and cause them to have an asthma attack. If you have a tendency to be a stalker please do not use Facebook!"

   I love haters! they're always thinkin of me!

   placing myself in "TIME OUT" until I am able to play nice with others! Until then, don't piss me off because I have nothing to lose being in Time Out already!"

   My mother never understood the irony in calling me a ”son-of-a-b!tch.”

   How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

   Helloooo summer. How I've missed you and your lack of responsibilities...

   Either she's wearing last night's clothes or she had alcohol and shame for breakfast.

   When they kneel during the National Anthem, we should stop the music and announce "Since we are kneeling, let us pray."

   It's not the hundreds of thousands of women that marched yesterday that impresses me... It's the hundreds of thousands of men at home, by themselves, who had to go without sandwiches the whole time... They're the real heroes!

   So what if Melania plagiarized? It's not like she exposed National Security, deleted classified emails and was investigated by the FBI.

   There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

   made an observation at the drug store today. There's an aisle that pretty much sums up the phases of life in products. Diapers, condoms, and adult diapers. From peeing in your pants, to lots of sex, then, back to peeing in your pants.