Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looks like Madonna and I have something in common...Neither of us have ever sung at the Superbowl

   It's almost guaranteed that every Saturday and Sunday I ask my friends, "Did I do anything stupid last night?"

   If the caller I.D. reads 'unavailable', then so am I.

   I got gas earlier for $1.19....too bad it was from taco bell.

   The cost of living has got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she cant afford batteries

   Me: Hey, you want some oysters? Him: No thanks. I'm Jewish. Me: Oh don't worry they're free.

   The only thing my ex & I had in common was that neither one of us would suck a d!ck.

   I was counting sheep but those little b@stards started talking to me and now I REALLY can't sleep. Plus, I'm high.

   When I die, I want My body to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

   PLEASE,, Let's have a moment of silence for all those who have ever been stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles..

   I say: Ron Jeremy for President..."You're gonna get screwed anyway, might as well get screwed by a pro.

   Hey abusive men, It's a relationship. Not the UFC.

   if a wheelchair athlete used WD40, would it be considered a performance enhancing substance

   You know something isn't funny if you have to end it with, "lol"! ^^^

   There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

   made an observation at the drug store today. There's an aisle that pretty much sums up the phases of life in products. Diapers, condoms, and adult diapers. From peeing in your pants, to lots of sex, then, back to peeing in your pants.

   A true friend sees the first tear... catches the second... and stops the third

   I believe what politicians say as much as I believe the person who says, "I never got that text."

   I just saved a lot of time in the doctor's office waiting room by walking around with a clipboard and showing people to any empty room. When the doctor showed up, I was the only one there.

   If You look in fortune cookie, you are a pathetic fool who seeks advice from bakery products.