Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here's an idea, instead of pointing out the faults of others, look in the mirror, find your own faults and start correcting them. That ought to keep you busy for a while you judgmental and hypocritical b*stard.

   disappointed that no matter how many times he bangs his head, he doesn't see any cartoon birds.

   Facebook should make it possible for us to respond to a 'poke' with a 'slap'

   Don't judge me for saying girlfriends don't watch football. If you have a girlfriend that loves football, she should be your wife!

   Farts are so funny...because you dont ever know what they're going to sound like.

   In the timeless words of Devoe and his confidants Bell & Biv. Never trust a big butt and a smile, that girl is poison.

   Looks like Madonna and I have something in common...Neither of us have ever sung at the Superbowl

   It's almost guaranteed that every Saturday and Sunday I ask my friends, "Did I do anything stupid last night?"

   If the caller I.D. reads 'unavailable', then so am I.

   I got gas earlier for $1.19....too bad it was from taco bell.

   The cost of living has got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she cant afford batteries

   Me: Hey, you want some oysters? Him: No thanks. I'm Jewish. Me: Oh don't worry they're free.

   The only thing my ex & I had in common was that neither one of us would suck a d!ck.

   I was counting sheep but those little b@stards started talking to me and now I REALLY can't sleep. Plus, I'm high.

   When I die, I want My body to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

   PLEASE,, Let's have a moment of silence for all those who have ever been stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles..

   I say: Ron Jeremy for President..."You're gonna get screwed anyway, might as well get screwed by a pro.

   Hey abusive men, It's a relationship. Not the UFC.

   if a wheelchair athlete used WD40, would it be considered a performance enhancing substance

   You know something isn't funny if you have to end it with, "lol"! ^^^