Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trying to impeach a man whom wants to put God back in school will send you all straight to Hell.

   The Science is settled: Guns save lives.

   ... Hillary Clinton has released her position on Trade....... She will Trade Political Favors for Money.

   People always say moth balls have a very distinguishable smell... but I can never get their little legs apart

   Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate

   I like to keep confetti in my underwear. That way when a girl gets there she knows its party time!

   Here's an idea, instead of pointing out the faults of others, look in the mirror, find your own faults and start correcting them. That ought to keep you busy for a while you judgmental and hypocritical b*stard.

   disappointed that no matter how many times he bangs his head, he doesn't see any cartoon birds.

   Facebook should make it possible for us to respond to a 'poke' with a 'slap'

   Don't judge me for saying girlfriends don't watch football. If you have a girlfriend that loves football, she should be your wife!

   Farts are so funny...because you dont ever know what they're going to sound like.

   In the timeless words of Devoe and his confidants Bell & Biv. Never trust a big butt and a smile, that girl is poison.

   Looks like Madonna and I have something in common...Neither of us have ever sung at the Superbowl

   It's almost guaranteed that every Saturday and Sunday I ask my friends, "Did I do anything stupid last night?"

   If the caller I.D. reads 'unavailable', then so am I.

   I got gas earlier for $1.19....too bad it was from taco bell.

   The cost of living has got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she cant afford batteries

   Me: Hey, you want some oysters? Him: No thanks. I'm Jewish. Me: Oh don't worry they're free.

   The only thing my ex & I had in common was that neither one of us would suck a d!ck.

   I was counting sheep but those little b@stards started talking to me and now I REALLY can't sleep. Plus, I'm high.