Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trying to impeach a man whom wants to put God back in school will send you all straight to Hell.

   The Science is settled: Guns save lives.

   rihannas forehead would be perfect for imax movies

   I just killed a spider with my vibrator! If I can figure out how to open jars with it, men can pretty much go screw themselves.

   ˆjust sent my ex a picture of my flaccid pen!s. I just wanted her to know I was thinking about her.

   this just in.... apparently the reason why bieber assaulted the cameraman is because he was taking pictures of his camel toe.

   The new eye scan to unlock your iPhone to be released later this week. *Not available in China

   If you hold up a Shell and listen carefully, you can hear the cashier telling you he doesn't want any trouble.

   Dear CBS please put How I Met Your Mother to the Sitcom Cemetery

   so sick of double standards. If a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a "ho"...bu​t if a guy does the same thing, he's "gay".

   Bristol Palin says she'll eventually run for political office. Americans say they'll eventually run for Canada.

   Hey McDonalds, may I have some Coke with my ice?!

   While you're busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out doing someone else for real.

   It's not a recession until your internet is cut off and you have to masturbate to the woman in a red bikini on the Special K box.

   You know your marriage is on the rocks when your wife goes to bed wearing a rape whistle.

   I can't really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man!

   People always say moth balls have a very distinguishable smell... but I can never get their little legs apart

   Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate

   I like to keep confetti in my underwear. That way when a girl gets there she knows its party time!

   Here's an idea, instead of pointing out the faults of others, look in the mirror, find your own faults and start correcting them. That ought to keep you busy for a while you judgmental and hypocritical b*stard.