Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook message inbox:"Wwo! Is htat raelly you in htis ivdeo?".... Yeah, that link looks safe, it was obviously sent by one of my dear friends, let me click it and check it out, no way it's a spamming virus...... Idiots.

   and Alcohol ended their relationship.

   They say every cigarette you smoke takes 7 minutes off your life. I have now officially removed the adult-diaper years...

   I just ordered a cup of coffee from a BP gas stations and the attendant spilled it... why am I not surprised!

   There has been a study conducted that claims that teens that have sex do not always get bad grades. This is especially true if they are having sex with their teachers.

   Got pulled over doin 71 in a 55. Trooper said, "I've been waitin for you all day".. I replied "Well I got here as fast as I could"...

   Hey McDonalds, may I have some Coke with my ice?!

   While you're busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out doing someone else for real.

   It's not a recession until your internet is cut off and you have to masturbate to the woman in a red bikini on the Special K box.

   You know your marriage is on the rocks when your wife goes to bed wearing a rape whistle.

   I can't really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man!

   rihannas forehead would be perfect for imax movies

   I just killed a spider with my vibrator! If I can figure out how to open jars with it, men can pretty much go screw themselves.

   ˆjust sent my ex a picture of my flaccid pen!s. I just wanted her to know I was thinking about her.

   this just in.... apparently the reason why bieber assaulted the cameraman is because he was taking pictures of his camel toe.

   The new eye scan to unlock your iPhone to be released later this week. *Not available in China

   If you hold up a Shell and listen carefully, you can hear the cashier telling you he doesn't want any trouble.

   Dear CBS please put How I Met Your Mother to the Sitcom Cemetery

   so sick of double standards. If a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a "ho"...bu​t if a guy does the same thing, he's "gay".

   Bristol Palin says she'll eventually run for political office. Americans say they'll eventually run for Canada.