Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering when a Jehovah Witness dies and gets to Heaven if God hides behind the Pearly Gate and pretends he's not in?

   Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

   I can't believe they let people own guns. Public toilets are all the proof we need that humans have horrible aim.

   It is scientifically proven that a woman can be satisfied with only 8.5cm..........And it doesn't matter if the card is Visa or MasterCard.

   Let me put things into perspective for you....persp(things)ective....​you're welcome!

   Every time you fart as you're walking through first class getting on a plane, Jesus high-fives your grandmother.

   Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on a Saturday night.

   Today I met the sweetest, funniest, hottest guy in the world!......then his boyfriend showed up :(

   Privilege is the ability to go out and march against anything that triggers you, without having to worry about the consequences of calling in to work.

   Dear FAMILY: Thanks so much for putting my empty cereal box back in the cabinet. Now I can have disappointment for breakfast.

   busier than a cucumber in a woman's prison.

   slept with his girlfriend's younger sister. She found out and said, "You disgust me." I said, "We never discussed you at all.

   and Alcohol ended their relationship.

   They say every cigarette you smoke takes 7 minutes off your life. I have now officially removed the adult-diaper years...

   I'm sick of Canadians sneaking across the border and stealing our hockey jobs.

   Facebook message inbox:"Wwo! Is htat raelly you in htis ivdeo?".... Yeah, that link looks safe, it was obviously sent by one of my dear friends, let me click it and check it out, no way it's a spamming virus...... Idiots.

   I just ordered a cup of coffee from a BP gas stations and the attendant spilled it... why am I not surprised!

   There has been a study conducted that claims that teens that have sex do not always get bad grades. This is especially true if they are having sex with their teachers.

   Got pulled over doin 71 in a 55. Trooper said, "I've been waitin for you all day".. I replied "Well I got here as fast as I could"...

   ... Hillary Clinton has released her position on Trade....... She will Trade Political Favors for Money.