Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not crying, that's just the vodka leaving my body through my eyes.

   I have enough confidence; I just don't like you.

   For Thxgiving, sent out a noticed to all my wierd family to BYOF menu...that's Bring Your Own Food, cuz I cant keep up with all the Vegans, gulton-free, diabetics, sugarfree, only-carbs diet, no-carbs diet, and the no water diet people in my family.

   There's still so much I have to unlearn.

   I miss the old days when everyone had the same RING tone.

   on this very day 125 years ago it was also a Friday TGIF

   Taco Bell is going to start delivering. Thank you for making everyone a little more lazy.

   I hired a wedding planner. She just handed me a noose then laughed for twenty minutes.

   My life may be a mess but at least I know the difference between "your" and "you're".

   Fact: If the human population held hands across the equator, a significant portion of them would drown.

   Dogs: This homework looks hard....Do you want me to eat it?

   Looking for a job in my sofa, bed and surrounding areas.

   I hate when I think I'm buying organic vegetables and when I get home I discover they're just regular donuts.

   Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.

   I hate when people say "I'm 24 and still eat mac n cheese"....Homie, there is no age limit to enjoy some quality elbow macaroni and fake powder cheese.

   Facebook needs to make a "Slap you in the face with a dictionary" button.

   Shout out to all the older siblings....who were used as the tester kids and now watch their younger siblings get away with stuff that they would have been killed for.

   Life should be more like ice hockey. When someone ticks you off, you can beat the living daylights out of them then sit in the Penalty Box for 5 minutes.

   If you "like" this status, someone you hate will step on a lego.

   Give a girl an inch and she'll want the other 6 too