Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to my calculations, 2025 is going to be the best year ever - I will finally run out of Conditioner the same time as the Shampoo, It's the little things in life I tell ya!

   Misery loves whiskey. F cuk company.

   If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs

   My business card is a picture of me looking inside the fridge.

   My seduction technique is to make things awkward and then not talk to you for a while

   It wasn't weird until you expected me to act normal.

   Does this silence make me look antisocial?

   I'm not crying, that's just the vodka leaving my body through my eyes.

   I have enough confidence; I just don't like you.

   For Thxgiving, sent out a noticed to all my wierd family to BYOF menu...that's Bring Your Own Food, cuz I cant keep up with all the Vegans, gulton-free, diabetics, sugarfree, only-carbs diet, no-carbs diet, and the no water diet people in my family.

   There's still so much I have to unlearn.

   I miss the old days when everyone had the same RING tone.

   on this very day 125 years ago it was also a Friday TGIF

   Taco Bell is going to start delivering. Thank you for making everyone a little more lazy.

   I hired a wedding planner. She just handed me a noose then laughed for twenty minutes.

   My life may be a mess but at least I know the difference between "your" and "you're".

   Fact: If the human population held hands across the equator, a significant portion of them would drown.

   Dogs: This homework looks hard....Do you want me to eat it?

   Looking for a job in my sofa, bed and surrounding areas.

   I hate when I think I'm buying organic vegetables and when I get home I discover they're just regular donuts.