Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please don't do your soul searching at the bar, some of us are trying to enjoy our whisky here.

   You can't believe anything a woman says when she's in the trunk of your car.

   Girls pick jerks over nice guys the same way guys pick sluts over cool girls.. we are all idiots.

   Dear God, when I said six figure salary, I didn't mean only zeros.

   My other palindrome is a kayak.................................... my new bumpersticker

   There's no better feeling than proving someone wrong!

   The sexual tension between me and this woman is so high that she's using codes like 'can I take your order?'

   A famous rapper got high and did something stupid? Well now I've seen everything.

   I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

   shhhh.. i'm waiting behind the door. gonna blindside monday with a swift kick in nuggets.

   Friend: "What should be engraved on the inside of my husband-to-be's wedding ring? I want something that has meaning and will remind him of me." Me:"PUT IT BACK ON!"

   I'm sane with you, I'm just not insane with you.

   My theory is that Twilight was seen by only ten people who each watched it four million times.

   There’s nothing more annoying than having a song stuck in your head that you don’t know all the words to.

   You send me endless invites to play games here on Facebook but didn't send me an invite to your party...

   I'll be taking my time and yours,, thank you....... -- all 80 yr. old drivers

   There should be a "I've seen enough" button.

   This weekend feels like its going to be a "safe-word free" type of weekend.

   It might be Friday ...... BUT.... SUNDAYS COMING!!!!

   Phone case designs are the perfect way of measuring someone's maturity level.