Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a new rule: No one is allowed to talk to me for a minimum of 24 hours after I wake up.

   My thermostats are revealing just how cold it is today ~ Note to self: Get a thicker bra...

   Every time I hang out with my old roommate from college, we get drunk. I think he may have a drinking problem…

   I'm not the jealous type. And no I don't know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.

   "They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.

   I wasn't whole until we met. Only now am I a complete idiot.

   When my girlfriend and I decided to make it official, I told her: I have to tell you, before we met, I was... well...promiscuous. Oh cool she exclaimed. I love Greek mythology.

   I wasnt planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!

   If I let you control the music in my car, it means I would probably take a bullet for you.

   Angry sex is awesome, but I wouldn't recommend oral till the makeup sex

   Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

   LIL KIM IS STILL ALIVE?

   Beggars should be abolished. It annoys one to give to them, and it annoys one not to give to them.

   Now I totally understand why Peter Pan didn't want to grow up!

   My procrastinators club is getting restless....they think we should start thinking about thinking about maybe meeting.... I think they are too ambitious to be in my club.......

   My GF just walked straight past me in Walmart without seeing me! Maybe I should put a 50% off sticker on my chest..

   If you can read this, you're not having sex either.

   I don't have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I'll be celebrating that tonite.

   I'm not saying she's a slut, but she's been banged more than a snooze button on Monday morning.

   It seems like my life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.