Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wasnt planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere!

   If I let you control the music in my car, it means I would probably take a bullet for you.

   Angry sex is awesome, but I wouldn't recommend oral till the makeup sex

   Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

   LIL KIM IS STILL ALIVE?

   Beggars should be abolished. It annoys one to give to them, and it annoys one not to give to them.

   Now I totally understand why Peter Pan didn't want to grow up!

   My procrastinators club is getting restless....they think we should start thinking about thinking about maybe meeting.... I think they are too ambitious to be in my club.......

   My GF just walked straight past me in Walmart without seeing me! Maybe I should put a 50% off sticker on my chest..

   If you can read this, you're not having sex either.

   I don't have a drinking problem, I just celebrate everything! Like the fact that shirts have armholes, I'll be celebrating that tonite.

   I'm not saying she's a slut, but she's been banged more than a snooze button on Monday morning.

   It seems like my life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.

   Did you know it's physically impossible for 3 women to take a photo together and not do the Charlie's Angels pose?

   When I see a overly tan guy wearing jorts, I have to wonder if he's still making payments on that Miata.

   When Billy Joel is singing "I Don't Want Clever Conversation I Want You Just The Way You Are". Is he replying that she's stupid?

   My bud just updated his Facebook status: "I love my girlfriend so much. You are my world xxxxx." I wonder why her name's encrypted.

   The lady at the gambler's hotline must be a good luck charm. Right after our chat, I won $50 on an scratch off ticket.

   my neighbors house looks like Feliz Navidad threw up.

   It doesn't have to make sense if it makes people laugh.