Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people.

   Channel X Is Temporarily Not In Service. Please Tune In To Your Own Life For Your Regularly Scheduled Broadcast.

   So here we are at the beginning of a new year. After spending this past week reflecting on 2009, I've discovered that I was right 98% of the time, so I'm not really concerned with the other 3% when I was mistaken

   some advice for the youngsters on Facebook. You can do anything you want to do in life, unless Jay Leno wants to do it too

   I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

   it's not me or my actions that bug you, it's that you let them bug you.

   translating naughty words on google translate.

   I got along fine before I knew you. I'll get along find after.

   Why is it that Volvic Mineral Water, which has been filtered through volcanic rock for millions of years, has a Best Before date?

   We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

   A recent 100 million dollar study conducted by Harvard University just discovered that running out of money may be the main cause for Bankruptcy.

   wonders if a bunch of Shamwows will help clean up the spill in the Gulf

   Two girls, one cup.........The Williams sisters at Wimbledon.

   If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of it

   Ok, it's official...I spend way too much time on facebook. I just caught myself giving my boss a thumbs up because I liked something He said.. God help me!

   Nobody notices what I do..until I don't do it.

   the grass may be greener on the other side... but it is just as hard to mow.

   If we arent meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge?

   My preferred answer to the question "Isn't it a bit early to start drinking?" is "It seems a bit late to be sober."

   If you don't like being tailgated, then don't play movies I like.