Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can we just stop inventing new stuff until we can figure out how to put a GOD DAMNED 'LOCATE MY REMOTE' button on the cable box?

   My nickname at work is, "Shhhh, here he comes"

   "Don't MAKE me turn this beat around!" — Gloria Estefan yelling at her kids

   I'm at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.

   My sister is adopted,, but I like to tell people she's "a rescue".

   It's sad how an animal like a dog shows more humanity than humans do.

   You have the most beautiful lies I've ever seen

   I'm drunk and horny but not "call my ex" drunk and horny...

   O.J. gave Broncos a better name

   Hey guy walking down the street talking on bluetooth with a bag in one hand and nothing in the other, please use your free hand to slap yourself

   My supervisor told me "I like working with you. You're the only one I can have a interlectrical conversation with". I don't know if I should feel honored, or ashamed that this man is my boss

   I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic

   you know its over when there's nothing left to say

   gone of the deep end, knowing that prison inmates can now poke me!

   egypt had 10 plagues, I think they can handel ppl in sweat suits throwin rocks.. .

   In case you havn't been outside or looked at any of your 376 other friends status's... I'm stating the obvious, it's cold.

   Go ahead, tell us everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

   Who doesn't deserve a spanking now and again?

   gonna miss Gaddafi's outfits. He makes Lady Gaga look like Johnny Cash

   Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.