Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vet suggested cayenne pepper to get the dog to stop eating her poop....Sounds good...nothing says dignified like seasoning your dog's poops.

   The fastest way to confuse a woman is to tell her she looks great now that she's gained a couple of pounds.

   I remember the first time a friend said he was going to introduce me to a "dog person." I was bummed at the way it turned out.

   My safe word is yourhusbandishome.

   I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas.

   It's sad when your chances of winning the lottery are BETTER than getting a decent raise at work.

   Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator..

   I'm a big advocate of the 'You started it' method of defense in an argument.

   How to cook the perfect amount of pasta: 1. Pour out how much you think you need 2. Wrong

   When a woman says, "I'm NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That's universal for, "You're going to die."

   Action movie villains should really go to the gun range to practice beforehand, because they always miss.

   Anyone with more than 0 bumper stickers needs to relax

   After seeing Solange and Ray Rice videos, I'm going to start taking the stairs. Elevator are too dangerous.

   I'd like to think I'm a decent person but honestly if I was a millionaire, the last thing I would do is dress up like a bat and fight crime.

   Stranger: nice to meet you Me: give it time

   You know you are getting old when you see a beautiful 19-20 year old woman and the first thing that comes to mind is ...."Wonder what her Mom looks like?"

   Can't wait to see the hour of commercials it takes for some dude to be eaten alive by an Anaconda in five minutes tonite...

   Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we're camping. With an angry bear close by.

   Can we just stop inventing new stuff until we can figure out how to put a GOD DAMNED 'LOCATE MY REMOTE' button on the cable box?

   My nickname at work is, "Shhhh, here he comes"