Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're right, all guys are the same. It has nothing to do with you exclusively dating douchebags

   Time flies when you throw your alarm clock across the room.

   just got barred from Home Depot, some idiot in an orange apron came up to me and asked me if I wanted decking, lucky I got the first punch in!!!!

   If I had super powers I would be so totally dangerous.

   .My sun block is 100% effective. It's called a house.

   sweating like a cat at a Chinese restaurant

   remembering the days when hey arnold and doug were apart of his everyday tv lineup

   ..hates her internal clock. It doesn't have a snooze button and it hurts to throw herself across the room..

   hates when his cat thinks outside the box!

   A police recruit was asked during exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest ur own wife?" He said, "Call for backup."

   Tis the season again, the first snow! Please let me say to all idiots who think that since they have an SUV you somehow gain super powers and are invincible, TIRES ON ICE ARE TIRES ON ICE your 4x4 this doesn't stop you from sliding on ice you morons!

   they just said that the new year's ball weighs 12,000 pounds..... wait, I thought Snookie wasn't in the ball?? wtf

   Stop doing permanent things for temporary people!

   It isn't you, it's me. It's me wanting to be on top of people who aren't you.

   The first joint I hit I smoked behind Grandpa's barn. It made me dizzy, and I coughed a lot. "Don't worry, that always happens with the first hit," said Grandpa. "Try another hit." And you know, he was right!

   Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?

   4S = for steve?

   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

   I Helped an old lady cross the street today...had to .she was on my hood..!!!

   Its impossible to say the word "ironic" without some idiot saying "don't ya think"...Thanks a lot Alanis Morissette