Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing makes a roaring fire cozier than sitting on the neighbor's front lawn under an emergency blanket.

   When my son asked my theory on Amelia Earhart's disappearance, I said "maybe she went bIack",,., and now I don't have to help with homework

   You haven't Tweeted in a few days, what's up? @lancearmstrong

   Saying “Hey, I just met you, and this is Crazy..” is how I used to introduce my ex to new people.

   I just googled, "Gift ideas for wife" One website suggested a cooking class. They must have thought I meant, "Gift ideas for wife if you want to sleep on the couch forever."

   Baby, I would take a bullet for you... In Halo 4... Unless I'm on a kill streak.

   Stop talking to me and stare at your phone. It’s 2013.

   Girls fall in love with what they hear... Guys fall in love with what they see. That is why girls wear makeup, and guys lie!

   If you're going to be an ass, remember to be a smart one; not a dumb one.

   My brain is 80% song lyrics, 15% passwords and 5% important $hit…

   Mission Impossible: Not eating a French Fry on the way home from the drive thru.

   I hope the woman of my dreams delivers pizza, otherwise I'm never gonna meet her

   You're right, all guys are the same. It has nothing to do with you exclusively dating douchebags

   Time flies when you throw your alarm clock across the room.

   just got barred from Home Depot, some idiot in an orange apron came up to me and asked me if I wanted decking, lucky I got the first punch in!!!!

   If I had super powers I would be so totally dangerous.

   .My sun block is 100% effective. It's called a house.

   sweating like a cat at a Chinese restaurant

   remembering the days when hey arnold and doug were apart of his everyday tv lineup

   ..hates her internal clock. It doesn't have a snooze button and it hurts to throw herself across the room..