Funny Status Messages
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I'll never understand women. I held open a door and all she did was start screaming and got sucked out the plane. 
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome
Two countries got Independence in 1947.. One reached Mars, while the other is still trying to enter India..
"Smells like...spring cleaning & fresh flowers"... *takes off blindfold*..."Nope, dead grandma!"..... - worst Febreze commercial ever
It is now day 11 of the government shutdown and we knew sooner or later something like this was going to happen. Despite the national parks being shut down, several men were severely mauled by bears yesterday. But enough about the New York Giants.
If watching the big-screen TV with a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at this Best Buy...
Fart when people hug you.....it makes them feel strong.
Some guy just asked me for the time like its 1993 or something.... "Hold tight my good fellow, allow me to fetch my time piece from my pantaloons"
Fatty acids are just regular acids that take selfies from high angles
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?
Stop doing permanent things for temporary people!
It isn't you, it's me. It's me wanting to be on top of people who aren't you.
The first joint I hit I smoked behind Grandpa's barn. It made me dizzy, and I coughed a lot. "Don't worry, that always happens with the first hit," said Grandpa. "Try another hit." And you know, he was right!
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
4S = for steve?
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
I Helped an old lady cross the street today...had to .she was on my hood..!!!
Its impossible to say the word "ironic" without some idiot saying "don't ya think"...Thanks a lot Alanis Morissette
My million dollar idea: "Homework-flavored" dog food.
I want a job naming military operations. It be great to hear a stoic general talk about how "Operation My little pony" was a success 