Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   SKY news announced that Tampax have signed on to sponsor Tiger Woods. A spokesman for Tampax said, "To sponsor a c*nt going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about".

   AN INTERESTING FACT ABOUT AUGUST 2010... This August has 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays, 5 Tuesdays, all in one month. It happens once in 823 years.

   Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

   I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently, she left me a few days ago.

   Whats the point of a High School Reunion? I have Facebook, I already know you got fat!

   Ahh, Memorial Day. A day when we all stop working, start drinking and burn food in honor of our military who, coincidently, have to work…

   Just curious and not really sure why people like goin to strip clubs...you realize you're paying a girl to pretend to be interested in you?... :)

   To the dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.

   I like my women like I like my coffee... Tied up in a sack and shipped over from an exotic country.

   too hot* blanket off *too cold* Put blanket on *too hot again* Stick on foot out…..perfect. *hears creepy noise* Sticks foot back in

   If a chick gives you head with no hands it's cuz she is going for your wallet

   Microwave: Here's a piping hot Tupperware of cold food

   Fellas: Your single, immature and still-virgin friends will call you weak, pu$$y whipped, and stupid when you choose to spend quality time with your girl. Just ignore them.

   Some guys mess up and lose a good woman because they are so used to dealing with sluts that they have forgotten what it takes to keep a real woman.

   And remember... if you see an onion ring... answer it.

   FaceBook account for sale....Friends included!

   Good... Morning America, Afternoon Europe, Evening Asia, Night Australia... Did I get that right?

   Taco bell should sell pink taco for breast cancer awareness month

   They execute an American or an ally, we go after their sponsors, family, friends, lovers and clerics. Our job is to make terrorism so horrific that is becomes unthinkable to attack Americans and her allies.


   I'll never understand women. I held open a door and all she did was start screaming and got sucked out the plane.