Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My next girlfriend I am going to train like my dog. She will be loyal, obedient, and lick herself.

   My favorite food is knowledge. Unless I’ve been drinking, then it’s p ussy.

   The best moves in life are made in silence. Don't talk about it. Just do it and let them talk about it. Failure talks. Success walks.

   Dear Santa, Do not eat any cookies from Colorado and Washington this year.. May cause drowsiness.

   You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.

   Blaming a Happy Meal your kid is too fat, is like suing a gym for losing weight.

   lookin' like a fool with his pants on the ground.

   I'm eating cold soup with a fork. Windows 7 was my idea.

   I hate when a texting convo goes like this You: heyy. Them: hey! You: watzup? Them: nothin wbu? You: same. Them: cool. You: yea Them: haha. You: lol. Them: yep.

   STOP with complaining about unoriginal cut n pasted jokes and contribue your own

   Just saw a huge spider while I was getting out of the shower. So I pulled down the shower curtain rod & pole vaulted over it into the hallway.

   I'm still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.

   I witnessed 5 skinheads beating up a frail old lady across the street last night. I didn't intervene because I didn't know who started it.

   When Zuckerberg's wife divorces him… I hope she takes the half of Facebook that has Farmville

   LIKE if you know what this means… Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A.

   I'm sure someday I will go to a Chinese restaurant and be mature and able to resist doing Chopstick Walrus, but today is not that day.

   "I looooove him, I caaaaan't live without him, he is my life" No you don't, your 23, and you met him 6 days ago. Take your damn dramatic a$$ off FB somewhere else.

   The next time somebody texts me with "k", I'm going to tell them that they smell like a hippo. And when they respond with "WTF??" I'm going to respond with just "k"

   If I wanted to listen to someone bi!ch, complain and act like there better than everyone else I'd listen to RAP music

   I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How the hell did you get in here?" The other 2 didn't use shampoo