Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when a texting convo goes like this You: heyy. Them: hey! You: watzup? Them: nothin wbu? You: same. Them: cool. You: yea Them: haha. You: lol. Them: yep.

   STOP with complaining about unoriginal cut n pasted jokes and contribue your own

   Just saw a huge spider while I was getting out of the shower. So I pulled down the shower curtain rod & pole vaulted over it into the hallway.

   I'm still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.

   I witnessed 5 skinheads beating up a frail old lady across the street last night. I didn't intervene because I didn't know who started it.

   When Zuckerberg's wife divorces him… I hope she takes the half of Facebook that has Farmville

   LIKE if you know what this means… Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A.

   I'm sure someday I will go to a Chinese restaurant and be mature and able to resist doing Chopstick Walrus, but today is not that day.

   Why does everybody try to hide from each other in the Dollar Store? I saw your ass over at the bargain bin fool.

   Changing a whole text because you didn't know how to spell one word.

   I am in the process of writing a new country song for someone special....... Its called "If I woulda shot you sooner, Id be outta prison by now."

   "I looooove him, I caaaaan't live without him, he is my life" No you don't, your 23, and you met him 6 days ago. Take your damn dramatic a$$ off FB somewhere else.

   The next time somebody texts me with "k", I'm going to tell them that they smell like a hippo. And when they respond with "WTF??" I'm going to respond with just "k"

   If I wanted to listen to someone bi!ch, complain and act like there better than everyone else I'd listen to RAP music

   I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How the hell did you get in here?" The other 2 didn't use shampoo

   I'd rather live my life knowing and accepting that I'm not perfect, rather than spend my whole life pretending to be perfect.

   So they don't have Rogaine in England, huh?

   That awkward moment when you're late for class, and when you walk in, everyone stares at you like you killed someone.

   I would pay $1,000 to watch Sarah Palin explain the plot of LOST in her own words.

   Damn! Facebook goes through more mood swings and changes than a 18 year old girl........or is it a 21 year old? [ I forgot which one was b*tch!er]