Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."

   I just want to snuggle with you until it's sex.

   I was looking out the window when my wife asked what I was staring at. I mumbled, "Must be about 32C out there..." is that the temperature? she asked "No! the neighbor lady is sunbathing topless" I replied

   Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.

   BREAKING NEWS: Ariel Castro confirms that he is a swinger.

   Reincarnation, evolution, whatever. At some point, Larry King was a possum.

   I just assume that everything in a gas station bathroom is coated in a thin layer of HIV.

   Oscar Pistorius' bail cost an arm and a - oh wait...

   I have laughed more in the first 30 mins of the 2013 Oscars than all others combined!

   Here's to a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one. A pretty girl and an honest one. A cold beer and another one. #Happy St. Pattys Day

   I promised my boss i'd come in early for work on monday Aint that a great April fool's prank......

   Yeah,, I've tried boxers before,, but everytime I ran, it felt like someone was shooting dice in my pants..

   How can something I can't get rid of be called 'leaves'?

   Thank you internet. before you came along, I had to stare out the window to laugh at strangers.

   I've been in a relationship so long I have forgotten what its like to have somebody find me sexually attractive.

   at work, we call the boss Blister because he doesn't show until after the work's done...

   Dear Santa, Please send your credit card numbers. it's only fair since you're getting the credit for the gifts, that you should start paying for them also.

   Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn't the right answer...

   When I was kid, werewolves and vampires were scary. Now everybody wants to date them...

   New Word: "Shoepidity"… the act of wearing ridiculously uncomfortable shoes just because they look good.