Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An erection is like the theory of relativity. The more you think about it. The harder it gets.

   I'm not saying it's cold out or anything, But I had to put vodka in my juice this morning on the way to work to keep it from freezing.

   My super power is inching forward at a red light to make it change to green...

   Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

   The bladder: Nature's alarm clock. Snooze button not as reliable, though

   got a leaflet asking to donate clothes for the starving people of the 3rd world......I laughed so hard...if they can fit into my clothes then they are not starving

   Handle every situation like a dog.If you can't eat it or hump it,then p*ss on it and walk away.

   People say I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

   Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into own hands.

   In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word - "Yes Dear."

   When I'd go to clubs, I'd spend half the time texting people who weren't there. Eventually I realized I could just send those texts from home.

   who had the bright idea of putting an "s" in the word lisp?

   loving how the voice in her head GETS LOUDER WHEN SHE USES CAPS LOCK!

   Today is National, "I Really Don't Give a $hit" Day". 92% of FB Users won't post this to their profile status, will you or don't you give a $hit either?

   Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in....

   When a Blind dude & his dog go for a joyride, who dirves?

   feeling sofa king great today!!!!!

   I hope Gryffindor wins the World Cup.

   Officer, I was not "texting" while driving. I was "watching a movie on my iPad"

   The reverse side also has a reverse side?