Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a friend with one eye. He's pretty cool about it. Instead of “:D” he sends “.D”

   You are not a photographer…..You just have an overpriced camera.

   I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm from this "passion fruit".

   Ladies: Trust me, nice guys are all around you, it's just that the a$$holes are blockin your view.

   I just don't understand my next door neighbor. She keeps going on about how she'd love to be a contestant on a reality show, but she went mental when she found out I'd put cameras all over her house.

   Just heard about a new hangover cure -- Not drinking the night before. Does this work?

   I have this weird fetish where I like to sleep with attractive and smart women...

   I don't have an attitude problem, but I do have a solution. Go f**k yourself.

   I never went to bed with an ugly woman, but I woke up with quite a few.

   Fun Fact of The Day: Barbies get fat too, if you microwave them

   I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.

   Women are a Weapon of Cash Destruction.

   Lying in bed last night unable to sleep and my girlfriend asked me how many sexual partners I've had. Counting them certainly put me to sleep.

   If anyone asks, I've been here all day. You all are now apart of my alibi... don't f*ck this up!

   If Bebier goes to Jail will he come out singing like Eminem ??

   If Moses were alive now I'd like to think G0d would be cool enough to give the 10 Commandments on a convenient flash drive.

   The reviews are in... And Yes, I am awesome

   Go french kiss a power outlet.

   A bird just got trapped in our wind chimes and made the next Bon Iver record.

   My wife laughed at me because I struggled to get a proper full on erecti0n, I told her ''Its a lot harder than it looks''