Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   9 out of 10 men like girls with big boobs and the 10th guy likes the other 9 guys.

   Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman's hat on it is not the button for a free fireman's hat.

   I sent the wrong texts to the wrong people. Now my wife thinks that I'm going to f*ck her and my girlfriend thinks that I have to work late.

   I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year! ‪

   There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.

   Love is a thing for two...but there's always a slut who doesn't know how to count.

   That awkward moment when Eminem eats M&Ms, Flo Rida goes to Florida and 50 Cent has 2 quarters

   Ladies, you are delusional if you think you can give me a handjob better than I can.

   I have a friend with one eye. He's pretty cool about it. Instead of “:D” he sends “.D”

   You are not a photographer…..You just have an overpriced camera.

   I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm from this "passion fruit".

   Ladies: Trust me, nice guys are all around you, it's just that the a$$holes are blockin your view.

   I just don't understand my next door neighbor. She keeps going on about how she'd love to be a contestant on a reality show, but she went mental when she found out I'd put cameras all over her house.

   Just heard about a new hangover cure -- Not drinking the night before. Does this work?

   I have this weird fetish where I like to sleep with attractive and smart women...

   I don't have an attitude problem, but I do have a solution. Go f**k yourself.

   I never went to bed with an ugly woman, but I woke up with quite a few.

   Fun Fact of The Day: Barbies get fat too, if you microwave them

   I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.

   Women are a Weapon of Cash Destruction.