Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Comparing Sarah Jessica Parker to a horse is insulting and lame. Horses are majestic, beautiful creatures unworthy of your contempt

   Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?

   Toothbrush: "Sometimes I think I have the worst job in the world!" Toilet paper " Yeah,right."

   just stole this status from someone who stole it from someone else !!

   sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair spins

   Excuse me, teenage girl? You're not"cool and outspoken" when you go up to random people and say things like,"I hate your haircut," or "Your style is bad," You're a b!tch who deliberately hurts people's feelings in an attempt to get attention.

   MILF...Man I Love Fries.

   Every time I get really drunk I start acting like I'm British, and by that I mean I drive on the left side of the road.

   My wife is a psycho, this p0st isn't a joke its a cry for help.

   had a handle on life but it broke

   The Brits are gonna be pissed, we just out did the Royal Wedding!

   If the baby mama can claim a child on their taxes and get money why can't I claim my child support payments?

   well dip me in chocolate and call me the president .

   9 out of 10 men like girls with big boobs and the 10th guy likes the other 9 guys.

   Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman's hat on it is not the button for a free fireman's hat.

   I sent the wrong texts to the wrong people. Now my wife thinks that I'm going to f*ck her and my girlfriend thinks that I have to work late.

   I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year! ‪

   There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.

   Love is a thing for two...but there's always a slut who doesn't know how to count.

   That awkward moment when Eminem eats M&Ms, Flo Rida goes to Florida and 50 Cent has 2 quarters