Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

   As a parting gift, Trump should give all Americans moving to Canada a bottle of Trump vodka.

   Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!

   The search for Flight 370 was declared "The most difficult in human history." Amelia Earhart could not be reached for comment...

   Tornados in the North Texas area are very likely this afternoon. Meteorologists are urging the public to gather in the Dallas Cowboys Stadium where no touchdowns are possible this season!

   just stole this status from someone who stole it from someone else !!

   Oysters are fantastic, if you like the taste of snot that's been stored with dirty silverware over rocks in saltwater.

   girls status ((i prayed for someone like you; and I thank God, that I finally found you)) next day guys are asshols

   sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair spins

   April is Alcohol Awareness Month and being Friday and all.... tonight I will make special plans to investigate alcohol all night long... Now that I have made you aware...I have done my part !

   Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?

   Toothbrush: "Sometimes I think I have the worst job in the world!" Toilet paper " Yeah,right."

   Excuse me, teenage girl? You're not"cool and outspoken" when you go up to random people and say things like,"I hate your haircut," or "Your style is bad," You're a b!tch who deliberately hurts people's feelings in an attempt to get attention.

   MILF...Man I Love Fries.

   Every time I get really drunk I start acting like I'm British, and by that I mean I drive on the left side of the road.

   My wife is a psycho, this p0st isn't a joke its a cry for help.

   had a handle on life but it broke

   The Brits are gonna be pissed, we just out did the Royal Wedding!

   If the baby mama can claim a child on their taxes and get money why can't I claim my child support payments?

   well dip me in chocolate and call me the president .