Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I will celebrate the opening of the Olympic games with my own feat of endurance: sitting at my desk all day...

   If my Boobs sag any more people are going to think they are nuts!

   Someone cut this gloryhole too big, I can see this guys mustache and it's really throwing my fantasy off

   I love morning sex....... Ok I love it anytime.

   make sure you spell Harry correct and don't leave out the word "Prince" in your search for Harry Nude pictures....

   Sometimes I wish my life was more like a comedy and less like a drama

   ...Sorry, Christine O'Donnell, you are NOT smarter than a 5th grader. Thank you for playing, please accept these lovely parting gifts, and GTFO.

   Republicans have it so rough! The worst part about Republicans looking for a job is if that if they're successful, they end up with a job.

   Women; because its not gonna suck itself

   Twinkle - Twinkle little slut, name one person you havent f*cked!

   Blanket on .. too hot. Blanket off .. too cold, one leg out? PERFECT!

   Chicks be talking bout #TeamNoKids after 6 abortions. No bitttch you a serial killer!

   It's so cold out I just saw a white person wearing tube socks with their shorts.

   I've been watching the price of lumber and wondering if I should sell my house for parts?

   Well, I see no one turned up for the first day of ninja school... Or did they?

   So, the officer did not think it was funny when I hung my a** out of the car window at the movie theater and shouted "Check this new moon out"!

   Men should always wear condoms because women carry diseases like emotions and pregnancy.

   ...I guess that sometimes it takes a dominatrix in your living room to make you sit there and think 'What the hell am I doing with my life?'...

   sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish shop

   I wonder how many old people have died trying to cut open tennis balls to put on their walker.