Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Really smart Jehovah witnesses follow the FedEx Truck and pizza delivery man on Saturdays.

   This Vodka says, everything will be okay. At least for a few hours.

   True friendship comes with an inherent mutual non-disclosure and confidentiality agreement.

   People who slow down instead of getting out of my way underestimate my willingness to commit vehicular assault.

   Trying to figure out where in my relationship I went wrong that she stopped folding my underwear

   You win some, you booze some!

   When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. - Clarence Darrow

   I'm not above pretending to be deaf in public to avoid unwanted human interaction.

   I'd SOOO love to get back to reading Facebook updates about e-cards, what people are having for lunch, how they would love to hit the gym but that cookie looks so good, and how much they love their children but they sure are getting on mommy's nerves.

   My friend who was being beaten by two guys saw me and he yelled "Are you just gonna stand there and do nothing?!". So I took a video and posted it on youtube.

   You couldn't chain me up and drag me into a WalMart today!

   I need a girlfriend because I like people in my life who can remember stuff.

   In a prefect world Taco Bell would deliver...

   FYI - Only seven more shopping days until the apocalypse! Plan your looting accordingly...

   "I don't want to cheat but I'd like to have sex again" ~The Paradox of Marriage

   Some people suffered in their youth which helped them succeed later in life. For example, if Bill Gates had gotten l@id in high school, there would have been no Microsoft.

   If you're going to give the silent treatment, the least you could do is go on the street and pretend to be a mime. We're kinda broke here.

   We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can't someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?

   When you mess up a guy's hair, he thinks it's cute, but when you mess up a girl's hair... just hope you're wearing something bulletproof.

   My dad worked on the roadwork?s for twenty years before he got fired for stealing! At first I didn't believe it... but when I got home all the signs were there