Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cinnamon only exists in spice racks and strip clubs, that's it!

   I'm so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

   We have a new Pope! I'm just waiting for Kanye West to jump out on the balcony and interrupt!

   Scientists are trying to find new ways to deflect asteroids in case one gets close to hitting Earth. My theory is putting a Cubs uniform on the asteroid would render it incapable of hitting anything.

   Tiger Woods is now dating Lindsey Vonn, they met while she was skiing down a mountain of women he just slept with

   Ladies; Please note that men don't respond to words, they respond to silence

   Hey guy driving the speed limit with your hands at 10 & 2, can I have some of that weed you're transporting?

   Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.

   I married the Stevie Wonder of interior decorating.

   Since the divorce, the only pick-up line I can think of is, “Would you consider yourself a litigious person?”

   Really smart Jehovah witnesses follow the FedEx Truck and pizza delivery man on Saturdays.

   This Vodka says, everything will be okay. At least for a few hours.

   True friendship comes with an inherent mutual non-disclosure and confidentiality agreement.

   People who slow down instead of getting out of my way underestimate my willingness to commit vehicular assault.

   Trying to figure out where in my relationship I went wrong that she stopped folding my underwear

   You win some, you booze some!

   When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. - Clarence Darrow

   I'm not above pretending to be deaf in public to avoid unwanted human interaction.

   I'd SOOO love to get back to reading Facebook updates about e-cards, what people are having for lunch, how they would love to hit the gym but that cookie looks so good, and how much they love their children but they sure are getting on mommy's nerves.

   My friend who was being beaten by two guys saw me and he yelled "Are you just gonna stand there and do nothing?!". So I took a video and posted it on youtube.