Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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The wife's a Black Belt in Cooking. She can kill a Man with two Chops. 
Why do women feel the need to tell us men how to do our jobs?....I had a reason why I didn't pull out!
"Fight fire with fire" - unequivocally the worst advice I have ever received. My house just burned even faster.
My plan for getting out of work tomorrow relies heavily on two of my best skills--lying and tampering with fire extinguishers.
Turned on all the lights, fired up the wood stove and heater, flushed the toilets and ran the water excessively. Did my part for Earth Day.
I'm so broke my nervous breakdown is on layaway.
A study found that 40% of Tweets can be categorized as pointless babble... while the other 60% is serious commentary on Justin Bieber's hair.
Those rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don't they?
Everyone has that one friend who insists on messaging you every damn time they see you on Facebook.
I think I attract crazy.
So I'm confused. What's coming out tomorrow, Justin Bieber or his album?
"Either Pray Or Worry, Don't Do Both"
I need an app that just screams "Put the phone down and go do something, idiot!" whenever I pick my phone up.
List of things I've accomplished today:,,,,, #1 Make accomplishment list..............................................................
My boss writes ' for weiner touching' in the memo line on ALL my pay checks.... And YES,,, the bank tellers look at each other then smile at me
Welcome to England - where the Sun is just a Newspaper...enjoy!!!
When I said "I'm fine",I lied and I wanted you to detect it. - Women
The only thing girls are going to get from watching the Victoria Secret Fashion Show is depression, an eating disorder & turn lesbian!
He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good 'cause...Santa works for the NSA.
I once won an argument with a woman. This was my only consolation considering after she won the divorce settlement. 