Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I attract crazy.

   So I'm confused. What's coming out tomorrow, Justin Bieber or his album?

   "Either Pray Or Worry, Don't Do Both"

   I need an app that just screams "Put the phone down and go do something, idiot!" whenever I pick my phone up.

   List of things I've accomplished today:,,,,, #1 Make accomplishment list..............................................................

   My boss writes ' for weiner touching' in the memo line on ALL my pay checks.... And YES,,, the bank tellers look at each other then smile at me

   Welcome to England - where the Sun is just a Newspaper...enjoy!!!

   When I said "I'm fine",I lied and I wanted you to detect it. - Women

   The only thing girls are going to get from watching the Victoria Secret Fashion Show is depression, an eating disorder & turn lesbian!

   He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good 'cause...Santa works for the NSA.

   I once won an argument with a woman. This was my only consolation considering after she won the divorce settlement.

   Hopefully Kim Jong Un will mistake Dennis Rodman for his other uncle

   Through all the turmoil, tears and tribulations, she has definitely made me a better man. Bitter man, sorry.

   Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.

   The last time I was this drunk I got married.

   Does anyone know when is the Cut-Off date to STOP wishing someone Happy New Years??

   If you were a contest, I’d enter you.

   4:43am Neighborhood Watch Report: my neighbor gets a super creepy look on his face when he's sleeping.

   My tombstone will say, "She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard."

   I never get caught because I've watched all 27 seasons of Cops..