Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ever notice how Black History Month is the shortest month of the year?

   went to Facebook and all I got was this stupid status message.

   went on a 9th date with a girl, we watched Batman. so far its been dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMANN!

   girls look back at your wedding photos, if you are fatter than that, he is not happy..

   What did the left pu$$y lip say to the other? We used to be so tight until we let some d*ck come between us.

   Whoever has my voodoo doll out there ... please scratch between my shoulder blades.

   wonders if the people who spend £2 each on those Evian bottles know that backwards it spells Naive..

   ‎*SINGLE* is NOT a status. It's a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live & enjoy life without depending on others.

   I stand right next to the "God Hates Fags" guy with a sign that says "Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend"

   ..Whenever I'm frustrated, I like picturing my enemies being d!ck-slapped in the face. ..not by mine of course. I wanna hurt em, not kill em..(",)

   Thanks you NATO, USA, UK and everyone else who helped us in our fight to oust the Gadhafi the dictator. - LIBYAN PEOPLE

   Man: "Would you like to dance?" Woman:(looks at you up and down) "No thank you." Man: "Sorry, you must've misunderstood me. I said: "you look fat in those pants!"

   Whenever I worry that I've been wasting my life, I cheer myself up by remembering that I have never read a Twilight book.

   I bet if Adam and Eve were Chinese, they would have eaten the snake and not the apple.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To show these fu**in pedestrians how its done!!

   They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.

   According to a new survey, 40% of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60% already live here..

   Subway is like prostitution. You pay a stranger to do your wife's job .

   I'll pretty much sleep with anyone on the first date if their emails have good spelling, punctuation, and grammar.

   My husband got fired from his job at the deli for putting his finger in the pickle slicer. To be fair, she got fired, too...