Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..Whenever I'm frustrated, I like picturing my enemies being d!ck-slapped in the face. ..not by mine of course. I wanna hurt em, not kill em..(",)

   Thanks you NATO, USA, UK and everyone else who helped us in our fight to oust the Gadhafi the dictator. - LIBYAN PEOPLE

   Whenever I worry that I've been wasting my life, I cheer myself up by remembering that I have never read a Twilight book.

   Man: "Would you like to dance?" Woman:(looks at you up and down) "No thank you." Man: "Sorry, you must've misunderstood me. I said: "you look fat in those pants!"

   I bet if Adam and Eve were Chinese, they would have eaten the snake and not the apple.

   Why did the chicken cross the road? To show these fu**in pedestrians how its done!!

   They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.

   According to a new survey, 40% of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60% already live here..

   Subway is like prostitution. You pay a stranger to do your wife's job .

   I'll pretty much sleep with anyone on the first date if their emails have good spelling, punctuation, and grammar.

   My husband got fired from his job at the deli for putting his finger in the pickle slicer. To be fair, she got fired, too...

   kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now...

   I was arrested for indecent exposure, but, sadly, released for lack of evidence.

   If Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus were both drowning at the same time.....what kind of sandwich would you make

   I think Haiti should send Washington money for the next 19 months now!

   Face it. We're all just a tank of gas away from government cheese

   Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a b**ch.Sincerely, The Titanic

   You can't put a price on happiness... However the bi-products Water, Pg&E, Internet, Clothes, Shoes, Movies, Food, Transportation, Travel.... You can put a price on.

   pondering why the kids can't give the silly rabbit just one bowl of trix, greedy little brats...

   I ran out of Tupperware one day, so I took my cottage cheese to work tied up in a condom. I'm not allowed to use the employee refrigerator anymore.