Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so" I said "Absolutely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"

   Genders are like the twin towers, there used to be two of them and now it's a really sensitive subject.

   And when I die, this will all be yours. *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   I want to open a donut shop and call it Hole Foods.

   Mama Cass Elliot would have turned 76 today. In fact, if she had shared that sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might still be alive.

   OK. What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?

   Let's scream at people in a restaurant or a movie theatre. That will prove our point. .

   I'm going to be an endangered species this year for Halloween.... An english speaking troubleshooting operator .

   The coin shortage didn't work. Go ahead and mail the mystery seeds.

   I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

   I work hard. I play hard. I do the groceries hard. I cook hard. I read hard. I laugh hard. I watch tv hard. – Viagra addict

   Welcome to your 40’s: everyone is twelve now.

   Met a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

   The firefighters' union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign's in trouble when firefighters are like, 'Even WE can't put out that many fires.'"

   LOL ..... "Planned Parenthod" Tweeted that Black Lives Matter ........ Hmmmmm ... turns out Black women comprise almost 40-50% of the abortions in the US. Guess you don't wanna make your best customers angry.

   Those open borders seem to be working really well for Europe.

   Who won the third Presidential Debate? Well that's easy, anyone who didn't watch it.

   The buttons on my clothes are starting to social distance themselves from each other...

   Q: How do you play the ISIS bingo? A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

   I love millennials. Their are so many parallel parking spaces they don't know how to park.