Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do vampires shave if they can't see in the mirror?

   Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later saw the same 4 men carrying the same coffin. Thought to myself; they've lost the plot!

   You know gas is expensive when you need the reflexes of a Ninja to get the pump to stop on a even dolar amount.

   Im all about recycling and this green movement and all but I just read that my new boxer briefs were made from 100% recycled materials. Yea, can they not do that....

   Hopefully today I don't have any unknown kids coming to my door with gifts.....Happy Fathers Day anyways......

   eventually we all stop lying about our age and start bragging about it!!!

   I have to take my paycheck to the bank. Its too little to go by itself.

   Disclaimer: I'm really bad at judging what size Tupperware container leftovers will fit in.

   Talking faster and repeating louder your very weak argument does not help you. It makes you appear more like a toddler. And a whiny one at that

   "The guy you dreamed of isn't available, so they sent me instead." What all dudes should say on a first date.

   I hope $20 is gonna be enough to last me till next payday.

   Each day gives you an opportunity to change something in your life. I use that opportunity to change my underwear.

   Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

   How do you get off a non-stop flight?

   HPAPY ST PTARCIK'S DYA. Kiss me, I'm drunkish!

   Nothing is impossible as long as you don't have to do it yourself

   Some might debate whether waterboarding is torture, but we can all agree leaving burnt popcorn beeping in the office microwave IS torture.

   Why do the best-looking cars have the dumbest drivers?

   HA .... The US Attorney General Lynch aka "America's Chief Law Enforcement Officer" ..... Is Pleading the Fifth to avoid disclosing information that may incriminate her ..... Just think about that one for a moment!!!

   Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved.