Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Why did Sally sell seashells by the seashore, when you can just pick them up off the beach for free?"

   Pulling your phone out in front of your friends has the same effect as yawning.

   I don't see how a man announcing to the world that he takes it up the ass is such big news.

   If a transvesite goes missing, would you put their face on a carton of Half and Half Milk?

   A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

   Marriage is not a word, its a sentence, a life sentence.

   If the Russians could actually hack elections ... Do you really think Putin would have tollerated 8 years of Obama?

   A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"

   : Happy Friday the 13th!! Hockey mask... Check... Machete... Check...

   Don't Kanye me!!! or I'll Chris Brown yo a$$... and Tiger Woods your mother!

   silence is gloden, but duct tape is silver.

   I have witnessed some of the greatest friendships forged over a blunt and I have also witnessed some of the fakest friendships forged over a bible.

   Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.

   Every time someone uses "your" instead of "you're" on Facebook, an angel punches a kitten in the face.

   Non-Alcoholic beer. It's like going down on your cousin. Tastes the same but just not right.

   a quick message to all who sent me good wishes for Christmas last year - they didn't work - so... this year can I have money, vouchers and alcohol please ;)

   Prematurely panicked with all the blizzard warnings yesterday and ate my cat....now feeling remorseful.....

   wondering why if vegetarian food is so great, everything they make is "turkey flavored" this or "chicken flavored" that.

   I want to buy a Labrador for my niece but i'm a bit scared. I can't help but notice how many Labrador owners have gone blind.

   Single...but you're welcome to change that ;D