Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the Russians could actually hack elections ... Do you really think Putin would have tollerated 8 years of Obama?

   A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"

   : Happy Friday the 13th!! Hockey mask... Check... Machete... Check...

   Don't Kanye me!!! or I'll Chris Brown yo a$$... and Tiger Woods your mother!

   silence is gloden, but duct tape is silver.

   I have witnessed some of the greatest friendships forged over a blunt and I have also witnessed some of the fakest friendships forged over a bible.

   Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.

   Every time someone uses "your" instead of "you're" on Facebook, an angel punches a kitten in the face.

   Non-Alcoholic beer. It's like going down on your cousin. Tastes the same but just not right.

   a quick message to all who sent me good wishes for Christmas last year - they didn't work - so... this year can I have money, vouchers and alcohol please ;)

   Prematurely panicked with all the blizzard warnings yesterday and ate my cat....now feeling remorseful.....

   wishes I could measure how much of my life has passed me by while I played with my iPhone. . . Maybe there's an app for that.

   Victoria is Lying, She Doesn't Have a Secret !!!

   wondering why if vegetarian food is so great, everything they make is "turkey flavored" this or "chicken flavored" that.

   I want to buy a Labrador for my niece but i'm a bit scared. I can't help but notice how many Labrador owners have gone blind.

   Single...but you're welcome to change that ;D

   Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat. The government hates competition!

   It's funny...they leave the vault doors wide open in banks but somehow have those .50 cent pens chained to the tables.

   Went for a jog today and heard clapping from behind, then realized it was the cheeks of my ass cheering me on!!!

   I don't care of your skin color, sexual orientation, or social status. If you are nice to me, I'll be nice to you. End of Story.