Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   getting stoned and trying to load the dishwasher is like real life Tetris.

   you know....everything I needed to know about life, I learned in kindergarten....if you poop your pants....they let you go home....

   If I had a CrystalBall... I'd be very careful every time I sat down.

   FACT: If Osama Bin Laden hid where I hide my porn, he would still be alive today.

   I'm going to start rubbing Q-Tips on my head.....They have done wonders for growing hair in my ears.

   Putting a pin through all of my best friends condoms seemed like a good idea at the time. Backfired though when I found out my wife is pregnant.

   You can keep your love, your trust is what attracts me.

   Found a 2 inch eyebrow sticking out of my head. I have terrible friends that are too self-absorbed to notice what's really important.

   The people on Jerry Springer are also the people of Walmart

   Organized people are just too lazy to look for things

   I'd like to beat the life out of someone with a violin. That way I could be described as having been instrumental in their death

   Doing my taxes this morning was so frustrating that most of my refund will be heading right back into the swear jar.

   My wife always closes her eyes during sex, she hates to see me having a good time.

   I don't wallow in self pity, I drink through it like a real man.

   Guess whose filing for a divorce....Tom's wife from Myspace!

   I want a drug sniffing dog but for all the wrong reasons

   My performance as "guy pretending to be on phone avoiding eye contact w/ aggressive homeless guy," is getting some early Oscar buzz.

   I forget how ridiculous I look while air drumming until I see the pictures that come with my red light ticket.

   Everyone pisses in the pool, but piss off the diving board one time and they call the cops.

   I know! I'll go on the Internet and complain! That'll fix everything!