Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You don't have to be perfect to be useful....the rusty nail still holds the roof on.

   I wonder what eminem is doing for mothers day

   I heard you are a PLAYA. Nice to meet you, I am the COACH.

   While someone is speaking to me, 80% of my inner dialogue is just wondering if my face looks interested

   It sucks when you pass by an incredibly good looking person, but then you realize it was just a mirror.

   Longest minutes ever: 1. Waiting on a text 2. Waiting on your food to get out the microwave 3. Commercial while watching a good show.

   I was on the treadmill for over an hour today. Tomorrow I might even turn it on.

   If a woman tells you size doesn't matter, she's a liar and you have a small pen!s.

   i think I'm gonna just be a rapper. apparently you need zero experience, and zero talent to be a millionaire in the rap game now?

   2011: same sh!t, different digits.

   Sad Fact Of Life #222: No one actually needs to wear ace bandages. Wrapping some cloth around a body part doesn't do anything, except draw attention to your imaginary affliction…and your desperate need for attention.

   starting to get nervous about Y3K

   Newton's Pee law : No matter how much you press it, shake it, rotate it, slap it and pull it. the last drop of urine for your underwear. ;)

   Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

   It amazes me how there are over 5 billion people in the world, yet a person can be so lonely at this time of night.

   NFL is seeing that disrespecting the flag is really bad for business...it's causing division & no unity! The left is NEVER morally correct!

   I don't think my newborn son appreciates napping and sucking tittie as much as I do.

   If you kiss her just right, the panties fall off all by themselves.

   Dear Math, I'm sick and tired of finding your "x". Just accept the fact that she's gone and move on dude!

   I've stipulated to be laying on my side during my open casket funeral so it's convenient for anyone who wants to spoon me for the last time.