Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Milky way is Snicker's nutless gay little brother.

   Sometimes you gotta remind the hen who the rooster is.

   Copper wire was invented by two Jews fighting over a penny.

   ever had a nightmare so bad that when you wake up you feel like throwing a party to celebrate that it was only a dream.

   Teacher Johnny: Use the word HARASSMENT in a Sentence... Johnny: I was in Love with a girl and.. Her-ass-meant a lot to me

   Starbucks really isn't that expensive when you consider what Victoria's Secret charges per cup.

   You don't have to be perfect to be useful....the rusty nail still holds the roof on.

   I wonder what eminem is doing for mothers day

   I heard you are a PLAYA. Nice to meet you, I am the COACH.

   While someone is speaking to me, 80% of my inner dialogue is just wondering if my face looks interested

   It sucks when you pass by an incredibly good looking person, but then you realize it was just a mirror.

   Longest minutes ever: 1. Waiting on a text 2. Waiting on your food to get out the microwave 3. Commercial while watching a good show.

   I was on the treadmill for over an hour today. Tomorrow I might even turn it on.

   If a woman tells you size doesn't matter, she's a liar and you have a small pen!s.

   i think I'm gonna just be a rapper. apparently you need zero experience, and zero talent to be a millionaire in the rap game now?

   2011: same sh!t, different digits.

   Sad Fact Of Life #222: No one actually needs to wear ace bandages. Wrapping some cloth around a body part doesn't do anything, except draw attention to your imaginary affliction…and your desperate need for attention.

   starting to get nervous about Y3K

   Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

   It amazes me how there are over 5 billion people in the world, yet a person can be so lonely at this time of night.