Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My sex drive isn't too bad..... There's a hooker just three blocks from here.

   Walmart smells like ugly

   hates it when he goes to a house and Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC is there! This is the 5th time this week

   I never realized how many people I hate until I got on facebook...

   Some idiot in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do! Haha!!."I replied, "20 x 0 = 0!" That shut him up.

   The best relationship is the one that's built on love and lust.. sry sry TRUST

   God couldn't be everywhere, so he created mothers. Happy mothers day!

   "I am sick of people getting "offended" by what I say...put on your big girl panties and deal with it

   I don't know what it is about Snookies face but it makes me wanna take a dump

   Any ever noticed that lol looks like a tiny person raising the roof?

   Snow: where a couple of inches will keep a woman in bed all day.

   somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine

   Whenever I start to get tired of being single...I go sleep on the couch to remember what being in a relationship feels like

   There are two words guys hate: Don't and Stop...Unless those words are spoken together.

   I went to the chemist and said, "I'd like some deodorant please." The woman said, "Is it the ball deodorant you want?" I said, "No, underarm."

   Scientists have discovered a human jawbone that is over 2 million years old. They believe it belonged to a woman as it was still f-kin moving.

   Wait a min..she aint had a job in 2 years..And she had 10 lawyers?? Public Defender my ass...I guess its a good thing she wasnt a black girl named Peaches..Cuz she would have been Sh*t out of Luck...

   From now on if you type, LOL you should have to submit a video proving it.

   Hey Monday┌П┐(◕‿◕) ┌П┐

   I always call out my boyfriend's name during sex..... Just to make sure he's not around.