Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just invented a drink called the LESBIAN. All you do is mix two liquors

   Dear mom while I have been away at college I have learned to make rational and accountable decisions while I'm drinking. However we may or may not have a drunken cat on our hands.

   in the balloon. It was supposed to be a secret mission.

   letting everyone know in advance that I want something shiny that will go from 0 to 120 in 3 seconds for Christmas... and bathroom scales WILL NOT be accepted.

   Your igloo or mine?

   What did the suspenders say to the pants? "What's Up, Britches!"

   My sex drive isn't too bad..... There's a hooker just three blocks from here.

   Walmart smells like ugly

   hates it when he goes to a house and Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC is there! This is the 5th time this week

   I never realized how many people I hate until I got on facebook...

   Some idiot in a nightclub came up to me and said, "I get 20 times more girls than you do! Haha!!."I replied, "20 x 0 = 0!" That shut him up.

   "I am sick of people getting "offended" by what I say...put on your big girl panties and deal with it

   I don't know what it is about Snookies face but it makes me wanna take a dump

   Any ever noticed that lol looks like a tiny person raising the roof?

   The best relationship is the one that's built on love and lust.. sry sry TRUST

   God couldn't be everywhere, so he created mothers. Happy mothers day!

   Snow: where a couple of inches will keep a woman in bed all day.

   somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine

   Whenever I start to get tired of being single...I go sleep on the couch to remember what being in a relationship feels like

   There are two words guys hate: Don't and Stop...Unless those words are spoken together.