Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Justin Bieber needs to start flying on Malaysia Airlines.

   I always make full eye contact when placing the stick that separates our groceries.

   If you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it has really low self esteem and you should exploit that for s@xual favors

   They say the world of relationships is an endless sea, but sometimes you go to bed with a mermaid, the next morning you wake up with a whale

   Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice!

   An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.

   Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.

   Dear family, thanks for putting my empty cereal box back in the cabinet. now I can have disappointment for breakfast..

   Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I'm done with lunch so I'd better get back twerk!"

   Me: Where is my superwoman? Her: Aaaw! Am in the kitchen babe;) Me: Typo, I meant where is my supper, woman.

   You know what is sweeter than the laughter from a child? The sound of silence from not having any kids.

   I bet Rihanna will be on the cover of Chris Brown's greatest hits CD.

   If you say the Flag and National Anthem are no big deal, but you get upset about a statue of a dead guy that died before your parents were born, then you are the ones that have issues

   You can eat pizza every single day & still lose weight....Alternative fact.

   Really feel bad for my neighbor.... He thought a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.

   You say Imagine Dragons, I say any other group than that

   Grandma was a loyal Republican until she died. Ever since then she has voted Democrat.

   I still let my phone ring a few times before answering when a person I'm interested in calls, so I seem busy.

   I'm not nodding to say yes about your idea....The voices in my head are agreeing with me that you're an idiot..

   I think I'm slipping.....too many mistakes went unmade today.