Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the weekend draws near.. oh liver, you know I love u..

   It confuses me when I see a cougar wearing a leopard print sweater.

   man came up with a new invention: a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

   CONFUCIUS SAYS: "Wife who put husband in dog house soon find him in cat house." hehehe!!!!!!

   Why when I pump $20 worth of gas when I get to the 19th dollars it goes into retard mode and take 10 mintues for the last dollar

   My favorite text message: "I'll be there in 5 minutes...if not, read this again."

   Justin Bieber needs to start flying on Malaysia Airlines.

   I always make full eye contact when placing the stick that separates our groceries.

   If you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it has really low self esteem and you should exploit that for s@xual favors

   They say the world of relationships is an endless sea, but sometimes you go to bed with a mermaid, the next morning you wake up with a whale

   Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice!

   An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.

   Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.

   Dear family, thanks for putting my empty cereal box back in the cabinet. now I can have disappointment for breakfast..

   Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I'm done with lunch so I'd better get back twerk!"

   Me: Where is my superwoman? Her: Aaaw! Am in the kitchen babe;) Me: Typo, I meant where is my supper, woman.

   You know what is sweeter than the laughter from a child? The sound of silence from not having any kids.

   I bet Rihanna will be on the cover of Chris Brown's greatest hits CD.

   If you say the Flag and National Anthem are no big deal, but you get upset about a statue of a dead guy that died before your parents were born, then you are the ones that have issues

   You say Imagine Dragons, I say any other group than that