Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world. To get back from a woman.

   When you introduce clapping to your dancing you might probably be too old to be in a night club at 1am.

   Pro Tip: Don't ask a chick if the Carpet matches the Drapes You sound like a interior decorator & everyone knows Interior decorators are gay

   It's the little things in life that count. Like my salary.

   Went to Hulu this morning. Front page: The Royal Wedding brought to you by Fancy Fest. God That's perfect

   hoping his wife is taken during the rapture.

   5 Jobs Westboro Baptist Haters can do instead of protesting Military Funerals: 5) UFC grappling dummies 4) Product testers 4 Fleet's Enema Co. 3) Fear Factor game taste testers 2)Pridefest Clean Up Crew 1) HumanShields 4 R Troops since IEDs R from God.

   Roses are red, violets are blue. after today, I need a xanex or 2..

   You'll never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks. Rather keep biscuits in your pocket, feed the dogs & move ahead.

   I thought I was about to get raptured, but it turns out it was just gas.

   Just found out it was raining by looking outside. WTF, Facebook? You're supposed to tell me these things first!

   Its amazing how something so small can feel so good. Q-tips.

   I'm done looking for love, When it's ready...it can come find me.

   You know It's going to be a good day when you hear "juke box hero" On the radio.

   You know your getting older when...At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

   What kind of lunch boxes do super heroes take to school?

   Look on the bright side, Joe Biden. Nelson Mandela didn't get elected president until after he'd served 27 years in prison.

   REAL Americans ..... Stand for the Flag ..... And Kneel for the Fallen ..... Period.

   Mother: Clean your room, family is coming over. Me: Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize the gathering would be held in my bedroom.

   I can't wait to run out of stuff to say so I can just re-release all my status updates in acoustic version.