Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't say you were stupid, I said that "i see a pole and body glitter in your future"

   An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Bull$hitt. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.

   Carpe Scrotum (grab life by the balls)

   Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write "SAVE TREES" on them.

   The phonetic alphabet for BJ is "Bravo Juliette." Which is exactly what I say to my girlfriend after a blow job....

   The state of Washington is looking for a marijuana consultant now that marajuana has been legalized. That must be one of those green jobs president Obama is always talking about.

   If you're an American who feels that you are represented in your government, please contact me. I love people with imaginations.

   terrorists are starting to get worried coz Americans have now started to steal their jobs

   16 and a Olympian > 16 and Pregnent

   I'm not needy. I'm wanty!

   You know it's cold outside when you go outside and trip over dog poop instead of stepping in it

   these foreigners are all the same, once you've seen Juan you've seen Jamal.

   It's sad when I watch the news and the Weatherman is the one closet to the truth...

   It's only been 1 year of Biden! Let that sink in for a bit while you decide if you want gas OR groceries.

   If a womans pregnant and uses a vibrator, does the kid come out with a stutter?

   Behind every successful man is a woman. She's behind him because he's running away from the crazy b1tch as fast as he can.

   Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to see Him soon.

   Let's hope this Eclipse tonight is better than the last Twilight movie....

   What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?.... Wipes his ass.

   Do you think in China the forklifts are called chopstick lifts?