Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   lol at this persons profile http://facebook.com/profile.php?=73322363

   What's the quickest way to lose 190 pound of ugly fat ? Divorce her!

   If really good-looking people are "eye candy" I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye broccoli" category.

   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

   If you drink, dont drive. If you drive, dont speed. If you speed, dont get caught. If dont you get caught, dont end up in jail. If you end up in jail..... Dont drop the soap.

   Sometimes you have to smile... Pretend everything's okay. Hold back the tears, And just walk away.

   pondering the the thought... They say Character is what you do when youre alone! I thought that was called masterba......nevermind!!!

   "The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."

   whats everybody worried about with Gilbert Arenas...its not like he can shoot anymore!

   Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then-we elected them.

   looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don't stare at it, it's too risky!!

   Cool people are just idiots wearing pricy clothes

   I really hope I live to see my funeral

   Insomnia: Inability to sleep until it is time to get up!

   The squirrels are mocking me by doing that spiral-run-up-a-tree thing. They know I wish I could do that and how stupid I look when I try.

   Why is it that the people who tell you to relax are almost always the source of your anxiety?

   30-year-mortgage, 5-year-car-financing, and lifetime gym membership, but women still say that men have problem with commitment.

   always look on the bright side. For example, don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

   After ten years in therapy, my psychologist told me something very touching, he said, “no hablo ingles.

   I can't stand it when someone use's an apostrophe "s" to make a word plural. It drive's me nut's!