Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it will take 20 episodes. 
Wearing crocs is like getting blown by a dude. Feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it...
When the story first broke…and the police said they couldn't figure out where Tiger was going at 2:30 Friday morning…was I the only one thinking, ‘Hello!?!?! Walmart!!!'
Friends will lend you their umbrella; Best friends will run away with it and yell "Run little Retard, Run!!"
What's the quickest way to lose 190 pound of ugly fat ? Divorce her!
lol at this persons profile http://facebook.com/profile.php?=73322363
If really good-looking people are "eye candy" I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye broccoli" category.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
If you drink, dont drive. If you drive, dont speed. If you speed, dont get caught. If dont you get caught, dont end up in jail. If you end up in jail..... Dont drop the soap.
Sometimes you have to smile... Pretend everything's okay. Hold back the tears, And just walk away.
pondering the the thought... They say Character is what you do when youre alone! I thought that was called masterba......nevermind!!!
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."
whats everybody worried about with Gilbert Arenas...its not like he can shoot anymore!
Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then-we elected them.
looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don't stare at it, it's too risky!!
Cool people are just idiots wearing pricy clothes
I really hope I live to see my funeral
Insomnia: Inability to sleep until it is time to get up!
The squirrels are mocking me by doing that spiral-run-up-a-tree thing. They know I wish I could do that and how stupid I look when I try. 