Funny Status Messages
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Dear Terrorist, I don't get why you kill people in the name of God. If God wanted to take someone's life, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be asking for your help. 
It takes police too long to respond to 911 calls. If I get robbed I'm ordering Chinese food and asking them to bring a gun.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
Dear Fellow Americans, we need to stop making stupid people famous.
I tried cooking with wine for the first time last night ...After 5 glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.
I predict Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna' be a great day.
I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now...
great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, or vacuum cleaner.
When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.
Mark Zuckerberg got married today. His new wife set her relationship status to "CHA-CHING!!"
is just me or do buffalo wings taste a lot like chicken?
Today's Forecast: Mostly Grumpy with a 60% chance of Grouchy. High of Mean/Low of Nasty. A Temper Tantrum warning is in effect. Take immediate shelter!
not sure which pants to wear today... smarty or fancy.
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
It's not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.
A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby 