Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   saw Harry Potter at midnight last night. LOL JK, I have a life.

   I named my dìck truth, because bìtchès can't handle it.

   Loves To Be Bipolar...Hates To be Bipolar

   One loyal Girlfriend is worth more than one hundred hoes..

   Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy. But rain on a woman wearing a white T-shirt and no bra makes me VERY happy!

   Saw a homeless woman with a sign that said, "Mother of two. Please help." So I gave her some condoms.

   Actually has a dai off tomorrow? Wow, it's been so long I can't even remember how to spell it

   I thought you were good looking, until I clicked "view more pictures"

   Life doesn't change. Only the people in it.

   Why can you buy movies at Walmart with nude scenes in them and can't by a CD with cussin??

   certain that the news companies are now just making stuff up to try and scare us because I've just seen the headline 'KILLER CUCUMBER CLAIMS 10 LIVES.'

   Relationship Status: Committed to remaining single

   it's not that I'm bad at remembering names, I'm just awesome at forgetting some of them.

   If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

   3 Things Every New Nurse should know: 1) never get "eye level' to measure a sore on someone's bottom. 2) Yawning during tracheotomy care is BAD 3) Always smell an Apple Juice in the Nurses fridge before drinking or serving.

   Almost choked to death on some broccoli but no way, I ain't going out like that.

   only eats chocolate covered caramel because that's how I Rolo™

   Can someone text me a donut?

   My wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst... so I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

   a recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!