Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke...

   Yes I'm still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"

   Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to....unless you're sleeping next to Elmo.

   If you can't handle me at my un-shaved, you don't deserve me at my waxed.

   If women belong in the kitchen, shouldn’t men belong in the garage with all the other tools?

   Relationships are weird. "you're funny and smart" eventually turns to "you think you know everything and everything is a joke to you".

   I hate it when teachers say "From all this talking, I assume you're done." From all this complaining, I assume you're single.

   Why do women get so annoyed when you ask them about their periods? If I was bleeding out of my d!ck, I'd totally want to talk about it.

   Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.

   The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

   ..Elizabeth Edwards leaves hubby John out of will. Somewhere in NY, Bill Clinton sits nervously, wondering

   I can honestly say that I have never left a room just because the carpet didn't match the drapes.

   Breaking news Arizona shooting suspect pleads not guilty...If he's not guilty, O.J don't wear gloves.

   and they all laughed at my snuggie! who's the cold fool now?

   tonight the role of "husband/boyfriend" will be played by Jack Rabbit.

   thought long and hard and finally made a decision on his New Year's resolution....it will remain 1024 x 768

   Bummer: Just Found out that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle that came to my 6th Birthday was actually my Aunt!"

   Our houses are protected by the good Lord and a gun, And you might meet 'em both if you show up here not welcome son

   i think next time I'm out drinkin I'm gunna pull the label of my last beer and stick it on my shoulder just in case I get pulled over... that way I can say "no I havent officer, I'm on the patch"

   When I die, I give you permission to change my status to, "is dead."