Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember when pressing pause on a VCR used to make everyone on the screen have a seizure?

   Today, I saw a license plate frame "My car, daddy's money" on a battered Chevy Aveo. Daddy had 600 bucks, eh? Calm down, princess.

   Never share secrets with bank employees, they're all tellers. 

   A relationship is like a house. When a light bulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the light bulb

   Why are scary movies always in scary places like hospitals or creepy houses ? I want a scary movie at Walmart . "Clean up on aisle 13" "But sir ... There is no aisle 13 .." dramatic music

   Experience is a cruel teacher. It gives a test before presenting the lesson.

   Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke...

   Yes I'm still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"

   Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to....unless you're sleeping next to Elmo.

   If you can't handle me at my un-shaved, you don't deserve me at my waxed.

   If women belong in the kitchen, shouldn’t men belong in the garage with all the other tools?

   Relationships are weird. "you're funny and smart" eventually turns to "you think you know everything and everything is a joke to you".

   I hate it when teachers say "From all this talking, I assume you're done." From all this complaining, I assume you're single.

   Why do women get so annoyed when you ask them about their periods? If I was bleeding out of my d!ck, I'd totally want to talk about it.

   Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.

   i think next time I'm out drinkin I'm gunna pull the label of my last beer and stick it on my shoulder just in case I get pulled over... that way I can say "no I havent officer, I'm on the patch"

   When I die, I give you permission to change my status to, "is dead."

   "You don't marry the person you can live with...You Marry the person You cant live without!"

   and they all laughed at my snuggie! who's the cold fool now?

   tonight the role of "husband/boyfriend" will be played by Jack Rabbit.