Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it just me, or does Morgan Freeman play god in almost every movie...

   I make no apologies for the fact that your balls aren't big enough to handle my personality!

   If anyone is truly disappointed by the lack of destruction done by Irene, I will gladly come by & break all your sh*t & leave a few bruises.......

   A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey!

   I am a Social Drinker, and since facebook is a social network.... I drink while I am on it lol

   Happy Discount Chocolate Tuesday!

   A relationship is like a house. When a light bulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the light bulb

   Straight marriage, gay marriage, whatever. Just stop showing me pictures of your kids and we're cool.

   My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, I cry.

   Does the Make A Wish Foundation provide services for children who are about to be murdered because they poured juice in your lap top? Asking for a friend.

   How did Nancy Grace get on TV? She reminds me of someone who qualified to be an office manager of a mobile home park

   They say you can't make jokes about blind people, just watch me.

   new rule: For every post you don't like, you must post a better one..

   A pastor was caught by a fellow church member breaking into a church safe. The pastor shouted, “Blessed are those who see no evil, hear no evil and tell no evil” The fellow church member replied, "Amen, for they shall receive their equal share"

   I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn't even know I was driving.

   Remember when pressing pause on a VCR used to make everyone on the screen have a seizure?

   Today, I saw a license plate frame "My car, daddy's money" on a battered Chevy Aveo. Daddy had 600 bucks, eh? Calm down, princess.

   Never share secrets with bank employees, they're all tellers. 

   Why are scary movies always in scary places like hospitals or creepy houses ? I want a scary movie at Walmart . "Clean up on aisle 13" "But sir ... There is no aisle 13 .." dramatic music

   Experience is a cruel teacher. It gives a test before presenting the lesson.