Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I've been avoiding you like a mall kiosk offering lotion samples.

   Just ironed a crease in these basketball shorts so I can wear them for Casual Friday.

   Family vacations are 80% just yanking your kids around and saying, "Let's get your picture by this thing."

   One time I listened to my kid tell an entire story without looking at my phone.

   Han Solo is apparently quite distraught that his granddaughter Hope didn't stop that last shot.

   Science Fun Fact: Everyone at the Scopes monkey trial had very minty breath.

   You can't say you've really lived if you've never ran through the pottery aisle in a Hobby Lobby jamming to the Less Than Zero soundtrack.

   Love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.

   My wife bought that Pepperidge Farm bread so I guess this is what it feels like to have disposable income.

   I'm watching a friend's kid eat Cheerios one by one off a highchair tray while staring into space, and I want to ask how she got this job.

   I saw the best minds of my generation getting, like, really mad on the internet.

   I'm terrible at confrontation, so I get rid of phone solicitors the only way I know how: inviting them to my destination wedding.

   We are on the verge of cloning people but can't figure out how to harvest pumpkins year round for pumpkin spice.

   My wife is so high-maintenance that even the bags under her eyes are Prada.

   The NFL is becoming about American as beating a pinata

   The "journalists" who tell you to distrust all the polls are 100% fine with you being blindsided on election day.

   Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number, I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

   I just yelled "Yo Joey" at the Springsteen concert in New Jersey and 2/3rds of the crowd turned around.

   Taylor Swift & Tom Hiddleston split. What?!?! No one saw this coming except her label which began cover art for her new album the night they kissed.

   The biggest problem with getting my picture taken is anytime someone says "Cheese!" My immediate response is "Where!!"