Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've started acting like my great grandpa when people are at my house, I sit in my favorite chair and hand them a dish of sh*tty candy.

   Well it turns out, the answer wasn't at the bottom of the bottle, I guess I'll have to check in the other 23...

   With science makes odorless chemicals, why again don't we have odorless alcohol?

   One day I will find a wife. Don't know who's, but I will find her...

   Valentine's Day: Reminding unhappy single people that they're unhappy & single since the 19th century.

   Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain is one inch. The difference between being regarded flirtatious or a stalker is even shorter.

   walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied. By text, from across the road.

   I am going to make millions when I finally finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when the traffic light turns green.

   Don't make me fall in love with your aloof disregard for my existence

   My inner self is in Photoshop

   I really hate conflict........unless you guys like it,in that case I love it.

   NOAH didn't put spiders and insects on the ARK . They snuck in and hid like they do in your house..

   If you leave me a voicemail that asks me to call you back when I get this message,you have nobody to blame but yourself.save your breath send a text.lol😀

   Who called them "homo erectus" and not... Wait, that's actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them "homo erectus".

   rubix cube: the original fidget toy

   Q:Do yo want to know how to tell if you're listening to a Jason Derulo song? A: He will tell you in the first 19 seconds.

   One of the best feelings ever: Waking up and seeing you still have a couple more hours to sleep.

   [at an orgy] I'm starting to think that I'm the only one taking this book club seriously

   My wife thinks I'm too nosey.....at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   "I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."