Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes the difference between pleasure and pain is one inch. The difference between being regarded flirtatious or a stalker is even shorter.

   walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied. By text, from across the road.

   I am going to make millions when I finally finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when the traffic light turns green.

   Divorce: A legal document for married people to hate each other.

   I just want to suffocate, sorry I mean love you.

   If you don't like my Facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the biggest news of the day on his/her page is what she had for lunch

   If it behooves me, I don't want it.

   A 15 minute workout usually takes me 3 days.

   Ever since I was a kid I’ve had a fear of being scared.

   A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.

   Middle-aged is when your list of ailments outnumbers your age.

   Boss at meeting said it would nice if you employees would start showing me a little respect. One employee replied oh we show you as little respect as possible.

   When someone says "good luck with that" are they being nice or sarcastic?

   Of course I have countless friends. They’re called songs on my playlist. .

   I feel terrible, or, as I like to call it, "being alive."

   I can find your bathroom on my own but I'll ask you for directions anyway so you think I think you live in a mansion. I'm a giver.

   Not today, found a new serial killer documentary.

   I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

   " You know your life sucks when you have to have three jobs just to keep up to being poor."

   Some days I survive, other days I don't. It's no big deal either way.