Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your best friend” was the wrong answer.

   My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible...

   Me: I have fillings for you. Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: I'm married and I'm your Dentist...

   Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.

   I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don't take me jogging with you today"?

   I spent alot of time trying to get all of my eldest relatives together in one room with no luck............. Then BINGO

   You know you're getting old when kids table now contains alcohol.

   Facebook became unpopular with teens the same day it became popular with their parents and grandparents.

   Father inlaw: A priest who is also a lawyer.

   Pour a drink while you pore over the poor grammar.

   my boss: you're fired [pauses porn] why

   Now that FIFA is over, it's time to get back to your own goals!

   Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I'm making you up.

   If I'm reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

   Can my plus one to a wedding be a dog?

   Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

   relax sit back and have a glass of bleach

   Don't make this weird, that's my job.

   I'd rather stay home and be bored out of my mind than interact with people

   Online dating: Wasting your time since 1995.