Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I already have a "fear" book...my old yearbook

   My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating

   The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread

   Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time

   *accidentally skips the bottom step of the stairs* Oh my God. This must be what a sky diver’s rush feels like.

   Failure is not an option. It comes bundled as part of the package.

   People were shocked when they found I wasn't a good electrician. :-)

   Guess all those years of phone sex have caught up with me, I have hearing aids

   Since smartphone cameras were first released in 2002, sightings of Bigfoot and UFOs have declined by 85%.

   Wife asked if I could pick up milk on the way home, so I flexed both arms to reassure her

   Husband asks to see my phone. ***Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.***

   How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

   I'd rather go camping with a stranger from Craigslist than go to your kids birthday party.

   I want my obituary to read: "She laid down the boogie and played that funky music till she died."

   Happy Halloweiner Hillary and Huma

   When people dressed like witches, strippers and hobos show up at my front door it must be Halloween because my family reunion was in July.

   I like to think this spider on my windshield during my morning commute is on his way to his own office job, too. I bet he's a web developer.

   Day one of my waffle cleanse

   Ran into a #PETA nut while walking my dog. He said my dog was my slave. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying the poop in a bag?

   "What do we want?"... "Hearing aids."... "When do we want them?".... "Hearing aids."