Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.

   America, we can't even put the grocery carts in the corral how the hell do we think we can elect the right person.

   I've noticed that when you remove the vowels from "female" you get FML.

   A grown man was wearing a Minions shirt that said "I'm here to annoy you." Mission accomplished.

   A porno so low budget, all you hear is someone stirring Mac and cheese.

   Annoy the Star Wars fan in your life by constantly referring to the force as "nerd magic."

   When it comes to toilet water,, I don't think it's the taste that keeps my dog coming back.... Maybe It's the free refills

   If someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.

   Tonight, on a very special episode of Friends, a black guy gets on screen somehow....

   Whoever kept Mike and Molly on the air by continually watching it which allowed it to go into syndication,,, I hate you.

   Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is my favorite movie that sounds like a bad Mexican orgy.

   My family crest is a single rotisserie chicken.

   In Gary Johnson's defense, its not easy keeping up with current events when you're stoned all the time.

   Did you know, if you hold an empty bottle of Yellow Tail Chardonnay to your ear you can hear a soccer mom complaining that she didn't get her ranch dressing.

   May your day be just a little bit brighter knowing that even Brad Pitt can get dumped.

   No one wants to watch your Facebook live video from your crappy seats at a football game.

   Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard.

   Add 'sexy' to anything and it instantly becomes a female Halloween costume.

   Why aren't there breakfast bars that taste like bacon and eggs or biscuits and gravy??

   I take all my Christmas pictures a couple months early before I put on all the serious weight.