Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Welcome to the slurring portion of my evening. Please refrain from any direct eye contact.

   hey Golf Channel, instead of yapping about golf for 4 hours, how about showing some actual golf??

   You look friendly. I'll go sit somewhere else.

   dating a girl with kids is like starting a video game with another mans saved game

   RIP ... George Jefferson.....Father of Swag

   If I ever get tagged in a Yoga photo, please send the police, I have been kidnapped by some Zen extremists.........!!!!!

   Don't call them hobos. Call them "people with earning disabilities.

   I don't really care what you think of me!! Unless you think I'm awesome. In which case you would be right :)

   There needs to be a new traffic light color. Something like blue that means "Hey, stop texting. The light's about to turn Green."

   The first rule of becoming a ninja is to make loud unnecessary noises when you hit things!!

   It's not good music unless your parents AND your kids hate it

   I hated talking on the phone way before it was cool to hate it.

   Every so often I'll start dating again, just so I can take a break from ruining my own life to focus on ruining someone else's.

   Linguists say we're at risk of losing hundreds of indigenous languages and also the word “dang”.

   You look just like Natalie Portman, only without the good looks.

   Stop looking at me like that - it's not like you've never tried to play a song from the ATM at the bar before either.

   Programmed a random destination into my GPS this morning, and just drove all around today making her recalculate my route. I suspect vulgarity soon, or she'll just stop talking to me.

   It's rained all week. I haven't been this disspointed since that first day of 1st grade when I learned there was no more nap time.

   The irony of being anti-social on social media.

   You know what most people are getting for Christmas? Fat.