Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died! ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

   I bought a camo shirt the other day and now I can't find the damn thing...

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   Sex so good you need the jaws of life to pry you apart.

   A man came knocking on the door the other day asking for donations to the Old Folks Home. So I gave him grandma.

   I started the month eating candy every day to get ready for Halloween

   Guys, if you're not married, but thinking about it, remember; a wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and the house is gone.

   Changed Siri voice to male. ME: Siri, which way to the beach? SIRI: Dude just keep driving until you see a lot of water.

   Sharks don't kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

   Society needs to teach every little girl that she's smart and her brains will make her beautiful. This will help her grow into a confident and independent woman who doesn’t feel like she is nothing but a sex object.

   Easter is April 1st this year which is also April fool's day. So to celecrate both days together, I will be dyeing raw eggs this year.

   If you can wipe it off with a wet towel, it’s not beauty.

   I lost my job as a Walmart greeter. Apparently it's okay when people enter the store to say, "Welcome to Walmart" . . . but not okay to add "and that's not just the booze talking, either!"

   Fun fact: Cops do not like to be told “You’re not the boss of me.”

   Hey UNITED, my ex is flying from Atlanta to San Antonio, flight 2145 row 12, seat D. Do your thing

   Can anyone tell me the name of that Jennifer Anniston movie? You know, the one where she plays the quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?

   Never trust atoms. They make up everything

   My exercise program consists of following women at the store who are wearing tight yoga pants.

   I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.

   Shouldn't a female Pit Bull be called a Pit Cow?