Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   He died doing what he loved: Wearing a floral print romper to a biker bar.

   I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 15 minutes. It's my screen savior.

   O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season's Dancing With The Stars.

   Guys, never give up. If a girl doesn't reply to your text, call her. If she doesn't answer, knock on her door. They love a persistent man.

   I have a feeling that whoever coined the phrase "it's what's on the inside that matters" was talking about drug mules.

   I'm a man of my word, and that word is unreliable.

   I'm coming out with a workout video called "Beached Whale Body". It's just a video of me sitting on my recliner with my computer on my lap and phone in hand.

   You can check if you are a Highlander or not by saying "There can be only one" and checking to see if all the glass near you breaks.

   Someone in the office just said Game of Thrones is overrated and I accidentally stapled his tongue to my desk.

   I feel like I haven't seen Lady Gaga wearing a hat of various meats and cheeses in a long time................. Hope she's ok

   Just had a box of apple juice and an Oreo because I may be 40 on the outside, but on the inside I'm dying from my poor choices.

   Trying to find a wacky way to kill you so that maybe the jury will laugh and let me off

   The new iPhone 5 will totally revolutionize the way I send all of your calls straight to voicemail.

   My wife wants me to teach her about Facebook. The first lesson is easy. You send me a friend request, I accept and immediately delete and block you and we all live happily ever after.

   I could breathe fire but I don't want to waste alcohol.

   Baby, I will give you complete attention and totally listen to you about your day, as long as you're completely naked.

   No one cares about your gas prices but you, California; you aren't a swing state…

   I'm beginning to think this "being an adult" thing is not as fun as I had envisioned as a child, except for the whole intercourse part.

   Dear Ex, remember those I love you more fights? I won.

   Charm me with your beauty and intelligence or just wait till I'm really drunk.