Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet. You don't know.

   I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

   I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!

   Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.

   It never fails.... I wash my car and the very next day I hit a pedestrian.

   A co-worker told me 'happy hump day' before I finished my first cup of coffee. But its okay, he's dead now so it won't happen again.

   Friend: "Tattoos are so addicting" Me: "You drink, smoke, and watch porn all day. I don't think self-control is your thing"

   My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.

   I'm 28 years old, but in marriage years, I'm dead on the inside.

   when I see a pretty girl all I can think to myself is "There's no way she is gonna put up with my crazy."

   Kind of surprised the half time show wasn't performed by the Kottonmouth Kings.

   the "we don't have to do anything on valentine's day" woman is one of the most dangerous creatures on the planet.

   I tried on a Trojan Magnum...its really hard to breathe in those things.

   What's the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick?......... *Asking for my 2 year old

   If bigger is better...explain lesbians.

   Adam Siliver = H.N.I.C.

   .... Boko Haram is the reason drones were invented.

   Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

   Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing,,Me, So the neighbors don't think I'm beating you

   The Cubs are so bad that the last time they won a World Series, the team photo was an oil painting.