Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst form of Alzheimer's is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.

   Today I just want to cry while stabbing things.

   Dog owner tip: Never entrust your dog to watch your food for you.

   Rejected Yankee Candle Scents: • Taco • Halibut with Lime • Garden Croc • Macy's credit card • Carbon credits

   Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I'm not sure either, but it's ruining every date we go on...there's sh*t everywhere.

   According to these court documents, the way to a woman's heart isn't through her bedroom window.

   People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn't give a $#!t.

   Maybe my goal was to be a 35 year old loser on the Internet. You don't know.

   I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

   I almost forgot to upload a pic of my Starbucks coffee. What a waste of coffee that would have been!

   Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.

   It never fails.... I wash my car and the very next day I hit a pedestrian.

   A co-worker told me 'happy hump day' before I finished my first cup of coffee. But its okay, he's dead now so it won't happen again.

   Friend: "Tattoos are so addicting" Me: "You drink, smoke, and watch porn all day. I don't think self-control is your thing"

   My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.

   I'm 28 years old, but in marriage years, I'm dead on the inside.

   when I see a pretty girl all I can think to myself is "There's no way she is gonna put up with my crazy."

   Kind of surprised the half time show wasn't performed by the Kottonmouth Kings.

   the "we don't have to do anything on valentine's day" woman is one of the most dangerous creatures on the planet.

   I tried on a Trojan Magnum...its really hard to breathe in those things.