Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well apparently its not Tiger Blood that Charlie Sheen has running through his veins.

   Facebook Murphy's Law: Profile photo with two women. It's never the attractive one's timeline.

   No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don't want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.

   DATING TIP: Date me

   Iraq is just like big lottery winners. Give them a couple of years and they're worse off than before.

   It's like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn't want me to braid her hair.

   Listens to coloring books on tape.

   I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

   The Theatre Alliance of Buffalo is holding auditions for Frozen tonight from 6 to 9

   "BRING ME THE FETUS' OF 3 CHICKENS.".. *Maniacal stare..."Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette"... "AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES"

   If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.

   If pigs could vote they'd always vote for the guy who brings the food, even though he's the same one who will slaughter and eat them later.

   I watched the news reports on what was going on in Chicago!!!! I had no idea Trump won the playoffs!!!!

   The worst form of Alzheimer's is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.

   Today I just want to cry while stabbing things.

   Dog owner tip: Never entrust your dog to watch your food for you.

   Rejected Yankee Candle Scents: • Taco • Halibut with Lime • Garden Croc • Macy's credit card • Carbon credits

   Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I'm not sure either, but it's ruining every date we go on...there's sh*t everywhere.

   According to these court documents, the way to a woman's heart isn't through her bedroom window.

   People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn't give a $#!t.