Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   women are attracted to danger... and there's nothing more dagerous than running with scissors.

   20mph school zones are only making our children's reaction time worse.

   Plot twist: WebMD says you're just thirsty

   Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn’t have said.

   I'd like to be offended by sex. Where do I register?

   Officer that's a medicinal hooker I swear !

   Did someone wake up Ronda, I'm sure she had things to do today.

   Well apparently its not Tiger Blood that Charlie Sheen has running through his veins.

   Facebook Murphy's Law: Profile photo with two women. It's never the attractive one's timeline.

   No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don't want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.

   DATING TIP: Date me

   Iraq is just like big lottery winners. Give them a couple of years and they're worse off than before.

   It's like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn't want me to braid her hair.

   Listens to coloring books on tape.

   I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

   The Theatre Alliance of Buffalo is holding auditions for Frozen tonight from 6 to 9

   "BRING ME THE FETUS' OF 3 CHICKENS.".. *Maniacal stare..."Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette"... "AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES"

   If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.

   If pigs could vote they'd always vote for the guy who brings the food, even though he's the same one who will slaughter and eat them later.

   I watched the news reports on what was going on in Chicago!!!! I had no idea Trump won the playoffs!!!!