Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Foreplay? I thought that's what the wine was for.

   I hope they have strippers at my funeral.

   I'm glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.

   Labor Day weekend: Three fun-filled days followed by progressively worsening weather and darkness at 3:30pm.

   You call it slutty,I call it friendly with a chance of blow jobs.

   I wish there was a sarcasm font so people could read my humor and not be offended.

   The reality is men have no idea what women want

   I'm a passionate supporter of things that don't inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort ツ

   Hi Brain, I'd like to introduce you to someone I don't think you know...this is Mouth. You should really hang out more and get to know each other...Maybe then Mouth will stop hanging out with Foot so much.

   Thank god someone finally pulled the plug on Phil Simms

   This is the worst power outage since Jurassic Park.

   Every time I cough, the dog thinks I'm barking at him.

   As soon as you get married you will understand why Barbie and Ken are sold separately with all their s hit

   Sometimes I like to walk into Whole Foods and yell "hey, that Subaru is being towed" just to see how fast it empties out the store...

   I makes me sad to think that drug dealers know better math than I do.

   I will not call what we have a relationship. I prefer the term "unholy alliance."

   The neighborhood bully fell off his skateboard in front of our house and kids have been ramping their bikes off him all day. I even took a turn.

   "baby.......baby......baby...baby..baby.babybabybabybabybabyBAAABBBBYYYYYY!!!!!!!" ~ "My wife...... when someone taps their brakes 2 miles in front of us.

   You don't actually pay a h00ker to sleep with you, you pay her to leave.

   The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.